An Hour Back

Today is turn back the clocks - find that hour!

My plastic outside is really getting blown.  Hope it will last the winter.  I wonder if there's something else I can do to keep it in place.

Darkness.....  Seems like it just comes and stays and retreats for a while.  I'm not sure if it's the weather change or MTX shots or just life.  I feel - I don't know.  I can't seem to find the words to explain how I feel.  I can't find the words that explain the swirling darkness around me.  The emptiness.  I want to sell a lot of stuff that we have.  Just sell it and empty the house too.  It's a nothing-ness feeling?  I don't even know if that's correct.  It's not like I'm not doing anything.  I've finished cleaning up outside.  We went yesterday to AJ's brother for sibling lunch.  Today we go to Cate's for dinner and I made this week chayotes and today brownies for our desserts.  I've done the bedding change and the laundry.  I am busy in the house and around.  Still the darkness or emptiness follows.  

It's like it lives inside me.

I spoke with Joan who says there is still a part of me that doesn't love myself.  And then I spoke with Jacqui (she had a special deal on two sessions so I got them and had one) she says I love myself and am doing well.  My body is trusting me.  She says the chest pain is an energy of a past life that a sword went into my lung - just the tip - and I lived thru it as I was strong.  Jacqui's take is basically that I am doing well.  Just need some reiki to remove that sword (called Diane, seeing her for a reiki session on Tuesday)  And the emptiness - I couldn't find the words to explain it to Jacqui so I didn't talk about it.  My anxiety is a bit there.  Seems I'm having trouble baking things too.  Just not balanced?  I don't know.  I just try to remember to breathe.

Think too that it feels like everything I believed in is a lie.  Nothing is true.  Back in the day I believed and trusted in God - we all know where I am with that subject!  Then there's those memories that they say are mostly false.  Now they are talking that food sensitivity tests are a lie too.  Who the hell cares at this point in anything?  I'm just going to eat what I want.  No - wait - still doing keto - I'm content with that.  Jacqui says the dairy issue - my body will adjust as it's trusting me.  Hummmm - I wonder if it should?  There's not much to trust in lately - that I've been coming up against.  I do think love and light and positive and kindness are something that are worthwhile.  Just that believing and trust seems to be getting smashed against the rocks lately.  And leaving me empty and dark?

I'd better get going - even with the time change - I'm running behind.  Have to feed the pets.

Tootles.