Empty Emails

Hi Joan

Just thought I'd touch base with you.  Not much happening.  Did have a few 'nervous? scary?' dreams a couple of nights ago.  Not much in them that I can remember.  Just woke thinking that was scary.

Other then that just feeling empty.  

Hope your trip went well.

hugs

Hello Beautiful,

I'm happy you emailed me, I have been thinking about you.  Many people are having unnerving dreams right now.  I feel they were to bring your attention to something.  Try to journal about what you remember from the dreams, what really stands out for you.

I'm feeling the emptiness your feeling has to do with your childhood abuse.  When this was happening to you, you had to kind of feel empty while this was happening to you, as to help you get through it all.  In the process of that you felt violated and took on a belief of

not belonging with your family.  I feel you felt this way when you were younger, almost like a inner void or feeling you were lacking in some way.  Your still feeling very uncomfortable about the whole thing.  You feel a bit of not feeling seen, heard or understood.  

This is happening because your soul wants you to become whole again.  Its a little bit fractured from all that happened in your childhood.  Try to feel very proud of yourself because you have been working on this and it is helping you.  You soul is saying there is 

just a bit more for you to process and you are almost there.  Don't give up on yourself, your getting there, even if it feels like your not.

I see angels all around you.  Ask them to help you through this, to take the empty feeling away.  To let you know what you have to release to have this feeling go away.  

Try to journal about how your feeling every day, along with anything you can remember about your dreams.  Have compasion for yourself.  Know that anyone that goes through abuse, goes through simlar suituations that you are going through.  Its normal.  Honor 

your feelings daily.  As your journalling about how you feel, speak the emotions out in words.  Don't suppress any of your feelings.  

You have much wisdom to express, express it.  You want to try to not blame and have any resentment about the abuse.  I do realisze

this is much easier for me to say then to actually put into practise, but this is essential for you to try to do, to continue on the healing process.  Forgiveness is a big key here.  Again I know this is not easy.  This is sooo important.  Remember you signed a contract coming into this life time.  You knew this was going to happen to you, you set it up this way to recieve the healing you wanted to recieve in this life.  Try to perceive what happened as you asked them to do it, as a means to overcome your beliefs.  Just try a little 

each day.  You are the stronger person in this suitufation.  

I have so much faith in you, you can do this.  Expect a miracle to happen.  Its coming.  You have beautiful light around you, let it shine.

I will be sending love energy to you every day.  I love you beautiful and can see you healed from all this.  Love you enough to keep working on this.  You can do it.  Let me know how its going.  Even if you email me every day if it will help.  

Even through you have been working on your suppressed memory of this event, there is still a bit of memory of it in your unconcious mind.  This happened to you mad to any times when you were young, so it will take a bit of time for you to totally release all of this memory.

Your soul is bringing up all these memories in the way of making you feel empty inside because it wants you to work on yourself (like you have been doing and are getting very close to resolving all this from your memory) because it wants you to return back to your whole 

self.  Your soul wants you to be happy, love yourself 

Big hug,

Hello Joan;

Thank you for the email.

After reading it, I feel like I can't breathe.  I feel ?  Funny that you talk about not being a part of family.  I have looked since childhood to find SOMETHING that I would completely feel belonging to.  Hubby and pets are as close as I can get.  As a child I tried to contact to Vikings, to Germany/Germans (heritage) etc.  Later I tried with the church, and the community.  Then the AA etc groups - that lasted for a while, but couldn't hold it.  Tried friends - they would leave over time.  Then volunteering and caring about others/services etc.  Not.  Married to hubby and thought this is it!!  I tried to connect with his family - over time I realized that wasn't going to work - same as being a part of his heritage.  When he dies - I won't be contacted anymore to his family.  Not saying they won't care etc, but we don't socialize that much as it is with them, and once I'm on my own, won't be that much either.  I realize they 'grew up' together, I came in too late.  Then aimed to connect with Spirit world.... don't feel it, even if I am connected there - I don't feel it.  Even in this town - I'm not connected.  No where do I find or feel a deep loving connection.

Feeling not heard, seen or understood.  That is an understatement.  Even to my self at this point.  I'm just not connecting with myself anymore either.  Getting farther and farther from myself.  My soul might want to be whole again..... and I'm feeling it's getting lost instead.  I'm just not there or here that much anymore inside.  Everything that I've known to do, I don't connect with anymore, they don't bring comfort, or a sense of healing, or focus, or belief, or future goals.  

Miracles.  Makes me smile and laugh.  Not sure I believe in that anymore.  Not that I'm negative on it, just 'yeah, whatever'.  It's like when I'm dead my soul with go to 'all the answers' box and pull out the only answer that was ever in there and it will say to me - SERIOUSLY????!!!!!!!!!!!  I GAVE YOU EVERY CLUE, EVEN KNOCKED YOU ON THE HEAD AND YOU STILL COULDN'T GET THE ANSWER YOU AGREED TO LOOK FOR???????  YOU KNEW WHERE TO LOOK!  YOU KNEW WHAT TO DO!  WHY DIDN'T YOU????????????  HOW COULD YOU END UP BEING SO BLIND AND DENSE?  NOW YOU HAVE TO GO BACK AND DO IT AGAIN, YOU FAILED, GET WITH IT NEXT TIME.

I don't even know where to look inside, outside, around me anymore.  And I just don't have it in me anymore to look.  It probably could stand right in front of me, jump into my hands, and I wouldn't even notice anymore.

As far as childhood abuse - I don't know if I even care anymore about it.  It happened, it's over, it's gone.  Besides I question memories on it since learning that a lot of memories are false anyway - per science reports I've been watching on.  And I don't even have the desire to go back there and drag around in them.  So resentments, guilt, anger... I don't want to have them or feel them about it either.  Those that I'm not aware of, probably are in the darkness, but it is SO TIME to let it all go.  I really don't want to muck around down there - just let it go.  I'd rather look forward.... ha ha ha..... that I don't even have feelings in that either.  But still, backwards is not where I want to look or go anymore.  My soul wants to bring up young memories.....sigh.  Sure, what do I care.  I'm just not going to look for them.

Dreams.  They amuse me.  Even the scary ones.  At least it's a feeling, and gives me something to think about.  Though I just can't seem to remember WHAT they were basically.  Just a bit like there was a snake.  My pup got attacked by a raccoon but I didn't bring it to the vet because I couldn't/had to do something else first.  (Isn't that awful?!)  And just simply waking up shocked.  Those are the three that I had, nothing lately.

As empty and vacant as I currently am, I am still so grateful for what is in my life and I do love my little family.  They, especially the new one, make me laugh and smile for that moment.  I just am unable to bring that moment feeling to other places.  Trying just stresses me and upsets me more then just enjoying that moment.

And in the end I am humbled that you continue to connect and are willing to assist me.  Thank you doesn't express it.  Your insights make me think and wonder.  It is appreciated and honestly thought on.

Blessings to you.  May Light continue to shine in you.

Try to journal on how you feel each day.  It will get better, this is just a down time.  Try to say I"m sorry, please forgive me, I love you, when ever you think of it.

Many blessings,

Joan