Bunny Jumping

I was thinking about what I wrote about Rob and AJ.  Guess this is part 2.  I thought a lot on it I guess because of it being someone else finding me 'pretty'.  Especially since I'm not really feeling pretty lately.  Not so much about my weight, but just in general.  With me short, thin, disappearing hair, my pains, my slowly growing weird RA lumps etc....

I put the highlights in my hair the other day - found it made me look prettier - to me.  I liked it.  So did AJ.  My friend Talia said I should go to have it done at the hairdresser, AJ agreed, but I did ok.  I also decided I would just do my nails myself.  At least the first time.  AJ really wanted me to go and have it done, I just can't bring myself to do it.  Talia said to have my nails done for the dinner we are going out this week with Maureen and Mike.  She also reminded me of how I looked years ago.  I mentioned maybe I would get a wig again.  AJ likes my real hair.  She sent me a photo.

I'm the one in the silver.  I like the wig.  Ah the old days.

Those were the days I was dating AJ and we were 'active' all the time.  That's where Rob comes in.  I can't see me doing that anymore.  I flirt with him, with AJ around, and talk of olden days of what I did sometimes.  But is it there now?  Would it drive me to cheat?  Not in a million years.  Even with AJ there's barely anything left in me that drives that train.  There's no bunny jumping procreation desires with AJ let alone someone else.  I can see there will never be anyone else after AJ as I just don't have much in me for bunny jumping.  Which makes me sad for my relationship with my wonderful, adoring hubby.  Between both of our health challenges, we just don't, even though we'd like to.

It stunned me, really stunned me the last time I was under 200 lbs that there was barely any action in me as every time I was under 200 lbs, I was jumping all over the place.  It was always that way.  As soon as I'd weigh less then 200 lbs I was a rabbit.  I thought though, that was what I was all about, and all I had to be whether I wanted to or not.  I had told AJ just wait and see..... and we both waited.....and waited.  Not to say it's completely dead.  Just not that active anymore. I was so sure I'd bunny jump him like before, or at least close to it.  

Oh well......

AJ sent me to bed because I'm sick with this cold.  He's a bit testy as he'd really like to bring me to the hospital, I just won't go - and I'm the one who drives.  I said I'd see the NP Monday when I bring him to see her.  I will call tomorrow and ask if I can get squeezed in - all I need is some meds.  The cold has gotten into my lungs - not a good place for me to have a cold.  I'm suppose to be resting and sleeping.  I snuck my computer into my mediation room.... Poor Jax.  It's a beautiful day and I'm sure he'd love to go for a long walk.  I'd actually would love to take him, but don't have it in me.  And I can't breathe that cool air in too much.  I did walk him a bit this morning.

AJ wanted to go out by himself to Walmart.  Wants to go Christmas shopping.  I said when he goes to Walmart in the first cashier isle is Reeses peanutbutter cups with Reeses pieces in it.  Please get me one.  And if they didn't have any, to go to the Dollar Tree, not Dollarama as they have them too.  Told him it was his payment for me allowing him to go out by himself.  He laughed and laughed.  Said I was so kind!  Told him if he kept laughing I'd show him how kind I could be!  😮  He will bring me one.  I think he's happy to be able to go out on his own today.  It's beautiful out, as I wrote, and he's on his own (that independent feeling), and off to do something nice for me.  (the Christmas shopping)  Before he left he wanted to confirm where to go if Walmart didn't have the chocolate - as he would try his best to get it so that I would be happy.  Ah, I love him.  How could there be anyone else?

Pink

Rob finished my bathroom.  It's pink.  It has a lot of grey-black tiles so pink was a light colour for it.  And I got a new light too so it's brighter in there.  It's a small, walk in shower type of bathroom.

Rob is a good handyman.  He's done a lot of work around here and is basically finished for the moment.  Next year he will come to work outside - too cold now.  He likes me.  I know this because, well because when we spent the day outside on Wednesday I simply said besides you like me.  He replied yes I do.  He's 'married'.  We joke around a lot and I've known since about 2 weeks after he started working that he liked me.  It was just a feeling I got.  About a month ago I found out his wife is large, and that's when I knew yes, he does like me.  I'm not as large as her.  She came to help paint the house.  She's nice, I like her.  Rob likes AJ too.  It's not anything there that would cause either of us to do anything, and I don't have any desire to do anything with him or anyone else.  I love AJ and I'm content being married.  Besides, I have too many health issues!  But it's nice to feel liked by someone else.  Especially at the size i am.  AJ loves me, but I was much slimmer when we met, and he once said he won't have dated me if I was large.  Then when I got ill and larger he still loved me.  

I once asked AJ about his previous statement and whether he loved me the way I looked then.  (I was 180 lbs when we met, went to 240 lbs, and now 200 lbs)  He said he thought I was beautiful at any size and that he loved me.  I know he loves me, I know my size doesn't matter to his love for me.  He apologized for saying something like that - that he wouldn't  have dated me.  Confused?  I guess that's why Rob's immediate statement, and he admitted he liked larger women all his life, made me feel good.

That being all said.... I like Rob, he's nice looking, but AJ is really the one I love and am interested in.  And Rob can continue to do the work around the house as needed.  I will miss him once everything is done.  ha ha ha.

I got a cold, I hope it's just a cold and not into my lungs.  I didn't feel well last week and kinda thought it was coming, but was able to keep it at bay.  But spending all day outside with Rob working on the cover over the deck (needed repair so the rain and snow wouldn't go thru) I think just pushed it over.  At one point I felt my feel were cold.  It was a nice, sunny day, I was dressed warm, but I guess ????  It doesn't help being fatigued and then being tired from the cold.  I've been going to bed the last two nights at 7pm.  AJ laughs at my squeaky voice.  Even recorded it as he thought it was funny.

That's it for now.  Tomorrow, thankfully, is jammy day!  Not doing anything but reading.  And maybe some cooking....... 

Nighttime Thoughts

The joys of waking up at like 2am and my brain starts motoring......  I write truly inspiring, fascinating, insightful stuff for my blog.  Yeah.  And then when I get out of bed, shower, feed everyone, walk the dog, do the laundry, get groceries, clean the poop (yes, that's something I have to do daily!) ... etc etc. I totally forget what I was going to write about and all those intense emotional written stories are long gone out of my head.

True, I could get up and start writing at 2am, but seriously, it's 2am!!!  I want to sleep.  Sleep eludes me often, so when I get it I try to get as much that night as I can.  Sadly that's all I remember I wanted to write!!  ha ha ha.  😜 

Onward.

I've been reading those books I ordered and mentioned before.  I finished The Stranger in the Woods.  Was about Christopher Knight, true story, enjoyable.

I started Thins No One will tell Fat girls by Jes Baker.  She writes the blog  http://www.themilitantbaker.com/   So far I have only read the intro and chapter 1.  She wrote about beautiful and pretty and that made me laugh as before I read that I was looking at myself in the mirror the last few weeks and thinking I missed the boat.  I feel like I never really got the beautiful place in looks.  Yes, there were times when, in my head, I thought I made beautiful or at least pretty as I was now 180 lbs, had my hair done, and finger nails polished.  I finally arrived.  Though at this point I don't know where I thought I arrived - other then now I was acceptable.

I have spent my life looking and trying to be acceptable.  Isn't that stupid!  (This will eventually go into the other book I started reading last night). 

I look in the mirror now and sigh.  My hair is thin, fine, very short (got it trimmed the other day as it was not doing anything and I hoped trimming would help.  Which it has, but it's very short again), lays flat and close to my head.  It's thinning a lot.  I have 2 semi-bald spots.  Front and back.  The colour, which I did the other week, is a nice brown and I got a box of highlighting that I will will do some point this week. But I still see myself as just unpretty.  As Jes writes we talk about how wonderful we are inside, which I know I am, but we don't accept the outside body look.  AJ keeps says I should go and have my nails done as it would make me happy.  And instead of me going to the store and buying fake nails, he says to go to the shop and have them professionally done.  I'm trying to feel worthy of doing that.  Isn't that stupid too?  Just go.

She writes on stats: and ten yr olds are more afraid of being fat then cancer, war or losing both their parents.  (Also) We commit suicide.  And sadly, there is case after case of this:  people who would rather die than live in the body the world has told them is inferior.   How sad, and for me how true.

I grew up believing the only way I would be acceptable was to be thin and beautiful.  Something I perceived I never achieved.  And now?  In some ways I feel it's too late.  I'm calmer on it and when I look in the mirror I do still see and hear flaws, but then I work at overriding those thoughts with more loving ones.  Not easy to believe.

Answers.....Not

Ok, it's getting to me a bit.  Like most people I find it easier to deal with things if I know what I'm dealing with!

That blood test I have to go in January 2018.  I totally get I have no idea what the result will be, and it could be nothing but normal.  It's best to live as it's 'normal'.  Yeah, I don't do that well.

I did email my RA doc, but not surprising, I have not heard anything.  Really, what is she going to say at this point other then she's just checking and don't worry about it.

So, off to see for guidance with Jacqui, since I was at the old place - nope no appointment available.
Anne-Marie, had an appointment this morning....she wasn't there, and I haven't heard back from her.
God - that's one of those - you're not in control, let me take care of it.
AJ is very patient and understands I'm semi-concerned and wanting some guidance, but really can't offer much in that department.

All I can do is wait.  And not think on it.  I try.

All of this makes me wonder what to eat.  How to eat.  Funny thing is THAT'S what I want the guidance on.  I know I can't do anything about the tests, but in the meantime I can do something about my foods.  Or maybe I don't need to do anything about my foods.  Per those books I'm reading.  But if I eat 'healthier' foods it might help?

The answer probably is just eat healthy and don't worry, be happy!

Visit

Ah, the old place.... Our old house looked harsh.  I know that sounds weird.  The house looked like it was just a house, missing the love.  It almost looked out of place.  Need something around it to bring our it's charm.  Seeing it, it wouldn't be a house I'd be drawn to, even though I'm the one who picked the colouring.  Makes me sad.  It was sad to see it.

Seeing the people tho was joyful.  Jax was happy to see his brother and semi-sister.  Anne was wonderful!  Miss her so much.  We walked for an hour and talked.  I hated leaving as I know we aren't going to walk for months.  Denise..... she was so good to see and she was the best on understanding my concerns about the cancer questions.  She's dealing with breast cancer.  (Jo-Anne, brother and semi-sister mother is dealing with bone cancer - she didn't say anything much and kinda just went back to talking about her trip).  Denise just listened - which was what I so wanted.  She shared some insights and didn't say anything about me not knowing yet and I shouldn't be thinking on it.  She was so good.  Anne was interested, but I know just to keep it on the factual topic.  Anne has similar RA issues and is on Methoxrate too.  

Pat and John - they made a nice dinner of mac and cheese with salad.  Which was fine. First I invited me and Jax, and second they don't have much money.  I brought dessert.  It  was more about seeing them.  

I really do miss these people and wish to be closer to them.  Walking around is excellent.  Walking here isn't the same of course, the roads aren't as safe and quiet as they are there.

Jax and I stayed at a Airbnb.  It was nice.  Very clean.  Very sparse.  But then, all I wanted was to go to bed.  The bed was a double, which is smaller then our king.  Jasper slept in the middle!!  He was scared of the edge so I got to sleep on the edge.  We left early.  Jax got to go to day care - they were happy to see him again, and he enjoyed playing.  I put him in Friday for 2 hours in the afternoon when I visited Carl and Marj - old neigbours.  Carl bakes. Marj is ill and I thought it would be better not to have Jax there.  Brought home treats.  They were good to see too.  Funny about them - I don't think we would have been as good friends as we were if it wasn't for all those times I kept running over to Carl and asking him questions.  I just wore him into a friendship. ha ha ha.  They like both AJ and I.  And of course Luci loves him!

Maureen took care of the cats.  They were well fed by the sounds of how often she came over.

I am glad we moved though.  I like this house.  It's bigger.  I like this community.  Everything is so much closer.  I miss the friends, but am slowly making new ones.  Or at least one.

AJ had fun playing poker with his brother and family.  They took good care of him, and fed him well.  He only lost $5.  

Otherwise, nothing much else happened.  I have been thinking on things, but that's for another post.  

It's In the Blood

I got a letter from my RA doctor yesterday.  The only thing in it was a blood work request.  Only thing on the blood work request was 3 written tests.  One of them was for Urine Bence Jones Protein CA.  Hummmm

No real surprise.  She's looking for cancer probably.  Multiple Myeloma or Lymphoma Cancer.   I was thinking of emailing her and asking what she was thinking, but I don't want to bother her......she would answer I know, I don't want to be confirmed I guess.  Blessing or curse of the internet.  Can look it up.  I do have some of the issues on the list.  And if it is that, I guess my life will take a new turn.  Losing weight won't be too much of an issue or focus.

I don't know how I feel about it.  I do kinda wish to talk to her about it.  But then again, maybe that's not what she is looking for.  Yeah, that doesn't make sense to me if that's what she wrote.  I love this doctor.... even if she didn't talk to me about it.  I know she would talk if I asked.  She is the only one that believed me years ago and trusted what I was saying.  Eventually she found markers on RA etc and has been so patient with me not wanting certain meds.  I wonder what I will do if.....

Went to bed at 730pm last night - I was exhausted.  I'm still doing my needles.  I'm hoping by Friday that I will feel better (usually start to) as I will be driving a lot - going to drop AJ off at his brother's place and then on to the old community.  Have it all planned out.  Took an AIrbnb room for Jax and myself for the night.  I am looking forward to it.  Will be a few days before I write again as I will be on the road etc.

Really not up to writing much else.  Still kinda tired, and just want to relax.  I'm not even able to read my books which is sad to me.  I want to start reading them.  I have spoken to Jerilyn and am scheduled to see her in January 2018 for talk. Took out a few of the Christmas stuff out to see what I want out.  I had a few things from my aunt which I decided to pack up and keep for my cousin's children (both are married)  I think they will like the memory of them.  I bought some new bulbs etc - dark almost black blue ones, and dark orangy gold ones - really like those colours.  Look forward to putting them up at some point.

😺

Craving Change

I started going to a class - 3 classes - on Tuesday about Craving Change in weight.  I have one more class coming up this Tuesday.  The class is interesting.  It was suggested by the NP and AJ encouraged me to go.  I'm glad I did.  Not that it's doing anything to motivate me to lose weight again.  I find it very amusing that I go early enough to go to Shopper Drug Mart, which is next door and I get a box of Milk Duds.  Yeah, Milk Duds.  I don't know why other then it's that physiological resentment of someone telling me I have to lose weight so I eat.  NOT that someone is telling me to lose weight.  And it's weird because I don't go over to Shoppers, which is close to the house, to get Milk Duds other times.  Milk Duds are only sold there.  They are one chocolate that I never tried until about 2 weeks before we left the old place and I popped into a gas station and saw them.

Back to the class... last class they mentioned about loving yourself at any size.  I spoke up about that and said if they had a course on that, I would come to it.  They then told me about a book called Health At Every Size.  I have ended up buying the book, I haven't gotten past page 3.  I will continue reading it.  I also decided I would talk to the one social worker running the course (along with a dietitian) to help me learn to love myself at every size.

I remember struggling with my size even when I was 180 lbs.  I still wanted to lose more wait - to get to 150 lbs.  I thought it was because I always believed I was to be that weight, 150 lbs.  Now I'm realizing it might not have been enough as I couldn't be happy at 180 lbs.  So, I think I need to look at loving my size and reading the book isn't just going to work, there is a bit of therapy needed.  I do have an appointment for some reiki, and then another appointment with Ann Marie to ask questions on the weight/loving/size etc.

Ah the joys of all of this........