Bird on a Window Ledge

In the front of the house we have a birch tree.  This year a robin built a nest and had a baby.  It started a few weeks ago, hopping around the front yard.  Eventually the cats - especially Princess - started hunting on the window. 

Bird is now gone, probably flew away finally.  Princess is sad....and still looking.

Keeping on the cat.  

I'm in a pissy, irritated, down mood.  I think it has to do with that issue of existing, being present in life, birth right to be here.  It just rumbles deep below.  I'm not to sure on how to heal it and feel I belong, believing I should/can exist etc.  Don't know what else to say about it.  So onward.

Late Night

In this town if there's a rumble of thunder or a drop of rain, the chances of the power to go out is very high.  Power was out for about 1/2 hour this evening, and that's really good.  Then our router for the internet was out..... ugh.  Took AJ a few hours to get it going.  He says we need to get a new one very soon.

After dinner I just couldn't stay awake.  Ended up in bed sleeping by 630pm.  I had cleaned the garden a bit as I couldn't cut the grass.... rains and thunder.  Moved a few tall 'weeds' to the back and removed others.  Hate that my chest hurts doing it.  Need to book with the NP and see if she will send me to have my heart checked, per the oncologist's suggestion.  I wonder if she read his report and just decided to skip that idea.  Pisses me off - she and I don't get along, will be glad when the original NP comes back in March.  If she doesn't send me, I have one other thought - go back to the Heart Specialist I saw last year in Barrie.  Maybe I can get in with him.  3 hour drive, but still.

**********

I talked with Joan last Thursday.  We did some healing on money.  Have a few affirmations to do about it.  I was able to get some healing done with the cash money, but with the blank cheque I had difficulty.  She said we can work on that.  

One of the affirmations was about the right to exist and it being my birth right to be here.  I found when I was meditating on those two I could feel a low, deep, core waffling.  Then there was the thought about being able to have large amounts of money came up against 'why' and not possible.  Thought that thru to why not?  What makes it that I must only have less and little? 

I come up against a memory that I had seen an astrologer who told me when I was about 19 yrs old, I would never have much money as my sign/houses showed that.  The only way I would have any money would be due to my /if I had one / husband.  Well, I do have one now - so why not the money then.  In a way we do have money, but on the little and less side - for the moment!  I wonder if that kind of thing can change.  If being born under a less/little money sign can be changed.  Feels in a way that it's written in stone.  So how do I change that thinking and heal that issue. 

***********

I don't think I wrote - I got my blood work results. Got if from the irritating NP when I saw her about going to the skin doctor for my face.  She wrote up the referral.... probably because I had already seen her, and the doctor was planning on seeing me as a patient and the NP couldn't really say No.   Yeah, I couldn't wait until October for the report. I also got a copy of the total xray.  Basically from my readings - 

1.  My lung volumes are reduced.  (per report statement)  Isn't that interesting?  With all those times I've been squawking to chikki NP I can't breathe/my chest hurts.

2. No lesions, mild wedging of bones/spine especially on left hip.  

3.  (This is now me reading the blood work) - shows MGUS (said this), looks like to me a question about my ferritin (storage iron) is low, range is 37-400 mine is 67.  calcium is getting high, range is 60-250, mine is 245.  And it looks like a question about kidney issues or infection.  Of course I have to wait to see what the doctor says, but at least I know it's not that bad, but following the truth of what I've been saying.

********** 

Lastly....

I ended up being a demonstrator for Northern Stamper.  I was talking with my sis about some of the deals and stuff.  I love the paint markers.  She said in that case it would be wiser to join and get the current deal with the included ink stamps.  Got some more stamps too - the cats and the pigs.

Did come up with another person to give a card too.  The neigbour behind us gave us some of his garden cucumbers.  They were good.  Thought I'd give him a thank you card.

Guess that's about it for now.  I'm tired again, but semi-unsleepy.  Not sure if I go to bed I will be able to sleep.  My chest hurts, And it feels like I just can't get air in.  I know I am getting it, but still.  No, that's not cuz of the report - I've been saying it for 8 months now.

Ta

PJ Break

Now for something a little lighter....

I think that's cute.


Ok.

Happy Colour Hair.  I went today back to Nikki and she re-coloured my hair with much lighter blonde and darker roots.  Love it.  Much more what I wanted.  She even added in two flairs of purple peek a boos.  Only thing, I think I'd like the top which is root colour to have a bit more blonde....but overall I'm good with it.  Will ask for that next time.  And it looks DIFFERENT!!!!!  AJ was staring and giggling when he saw me.  He liked it.

Next....cuff earrings.  Ordered some from Amazon.

Oh, and I got the other tattoos.  I will post them later.  I'm in a bit of a rush tonight.  I have Moonbeam outside, letting him enjoy being outside a bit before the rains come.

Found a new doggy daycare to bring Jax.  Something else.  They have walks thru 16 acre forest/fields.  Tattooist Mike's wife works there.  Thought I'd check it out Aug 9. and booked him in Aug 16.  A bit out of the way, and a bit more money, but once in a while, good for a change.

Off to mom's tomorrow.

I'd better go.  Ta

Cutest Pet

The cutest pet in the world!!!.....Well, at least this town.... ok, it was a random draw... but he still won!

Jax won the random draw via our local radio station.  I heard on Sunday that they were going to draw a name on the Monday, and even though it was about 4pm I thought, I'm going to enter Jax's photo.  I had a FEELING.  I just felt he would win.  You could see the photos already on and there was like about 25 of them.  So at 7pm I got into the site and able to download his photo.

I tried to download Moonbeam too, but it just would spin.

Princess..... well, she's just not photogenic.  But I think she's cute too.  

I think all three are the cutest in the world!  I think ALL the pets I had are the cutest.  I think all animals in the world are simply cute in their own way.

But I was and again wasn't surprised Jax won.  I just knew it.  I went to pick up the prize - and the guy had no idea where it was.  He asked if I'd come back.  I said sure, tomorrow.

I finally got the prize 2 days later.  Sadly... it was Royal Canin 22 lbs of dog food and Royal Canin treats.  I kept the treats.  But the dog food has corn, chicken-by products, brewer's yeast rice... as ingredients and something I not interested in.  I got Jax's eyes cleaned by changing his food to kangaroo, lamb, seafood, he's so much better, barely anything there now.  

I asked one of the leaders of the Dog Park about a dog rescue.   She suggested one, I called and will drop off the food next week.  I was hoping the prize would have been coupons for places like Pet Valu here.  Till, it was nice that he won.

******************

What happened at the dog park?  Stays in the dog park?  Na

I got there Monday at 825am.  Kim was already seated in the big park, and Michelle was there with her two (Gracie and Zoe).  I did go in for a minute.  And then after another big dog came, I said I'd better go.  Michelle said she'd come with me.  Apparently Kim's dog was really attacking Zoe - per Michelle's words when I later said I should let her get back to Kim.

We went to the small park with the 3 dogs.  Zoe is gentle.  And we sat then talked.  I did not this time ask her any follow up.  Didn't ask to meet again, or come to paint, or for lunch/dinner etc - I sometimes ask her one of these.  We just talked in general.  I offered to get going so she could go back to Kim, but she didn't want to and said about Zoe being attacked a bit more aggressively and that she would just go home with them.  After an hour we both decided to leave.  In the parking lot she met another big dog woman and talked.  Whether she got Michelle to go back to the park.... none of my business.  I didn't plan another day with her.  I will probably bring Jax again some point this week and if she wants to come over to the small side, that works for me.  I wont make her though.  I will just immediately go to the small side.  Think this will be best for all involved.  Especially me.  And if Michelle wants to come over, or make plans etc - if I have time / feel it would work - great.

Swirling

Ok, I'm almost done with these emotions..... I hope.

I realized (need to find another word - use that too much, hang on)  comprehend, recognized, grasped.. a thought about friends.  I need to ... admit, perceive, note .. stop trying to be friends that aren't for me.  I seem to be attracted to people that just don't have the time or interest in me - Michelle, sis, Elizabeth etc.  I have a connection with them, but am unable to plug in and hold a friendship.  Otherwise I end up with friends that live/move far away.  Hubby doesn't count, tho even he wouldn't be with me if we weren't married. 

Even as I child under 5 yrs old, I had friends.  Lots actually.  Then one by one they move far away and the few that were left were A) boys and B) not interested in maintaining a friendship and lastly C) no similar interests.  Then their were the ones who were only interested in what I could give them, pay them, what they could take from me.  At least I learned finally to not have them in my life now.

I don't get it.  I know I've written about this before, sorry, bare with me, I need to write it out again.  I know I have quirks just like everyone else.  And  I am aware of what some of my quirks are.  But I am able to tolerate, work with, allow quirks in others to be there - for the most part.  Biggest issue I feel I have is I never learnt to naturally be friends with others.  I have worked on that.  I have learnt to allow others there quirks - and then write out what's driving me crazy about them so I don't explode on them.  Maybe that's it - they know I see, or they feel I judge them.  That breaks my heart if it's the case.  I really don't desire to judge anyone.  I don't want to be someone like that.  I just don't know how to ... file them.  I am someone whose quirk is to file things / to organize things / to look beyond what is said and try to understand what is really behind it - and work with that truth.  With quirks here AJ does stay with me and I do know he loves me, hence we continue to stay married.  If they were that bad or I was that crazy - I'm sure he would have divorced me over the years.

On TV Sheldon is loved as he is (Big Bang) and his friends stay with him.  As a child I longed for a loving TV family life like Brady Bunch.  Life isn't TV though.  Then again, I don't want to be friends with someone who I don't connect with or that I can see really trigger me into having to bite my tongue.  That wouldn't be a true friendship then - I'd be someone else for that then, and it takes a lot of energy to do that.

It HAS to be me.  It has to be something I'm doing - otherwise it wouldn't happen so often that I am unable to maintain friendships.  What is wrong with me?  I don't want to be anyone else.  Yes I do want to change me inside, and outside! ha ha ha.  But not to be fake - to be someone or something I'm not.  I could pretend to be someone else?  I couldn't hold that for long and then they'd really not want to be friends with me.  

For the most part I''m ok with being alone.  I'm grateful I'm married to AJ who does tolerate and love me, quirks and all.  It does help having him around to talk with, as I love to talk and share thoughts with someone else.  He's open to listening to me and is patient.  But when this scab is scraped and the wound of friendships is opened, it simply hurts.  It's like I've cut a vein open and just bled all out again and again. I wish I knew how to completely heal it so that it doesn't bleed again the next time.

Rolling out the Emotions

Yes, it's all emotions.  Been in a funk the last few days.  I think the 'happy' is gone.  Sigh.  I just want to cry and I'm down.

I've been working thru (?)  that jealousy.  That's got me down too.  I happened to be on f/b and saw Michelle's post that she had a another great playdate on Saturday.  I continued down - not on her post - but to see my next post.  As I did I saw something and had to go back to read it.  One of the comments was 'look forward to seeing everyone on Monday at 830am'.... and then Michelle saying 'Yes!!!!!!'  That rubbed the wound a bit.  We had made plans to meet on Monday at 830am.  I just can't bring Jax to the big park.  He doesn't like to play with the big dogs.  

As the dog care centre owner Wendy once told me - Jax is friendly with all, but will only play with those he likes.  I see that even in the small park.  There are very few he will play completely with.  He will say hi, he will run a bit with them... but then come back to me or go and sniff.  I saw how with the big dogs at the small park on Friday he just didn't play with Gracie.... until the big ones left.  Then with the two new little ones, he said hi and went back to play with Gracie.

I thought about it.  I will go on Monday at 830 as I promised.  I will also not make anything about us being there.  If Michelle and Gracie choose to come over to the small side, that's fine.  I also see I can't do a hope of friendship with her.  I need to back off inside myself, clear out my ego, and just be friendly.

I realized too, after I had made a simple get well card for Muriel - who lives in New Brunswick and was a co-worker (we still talk once in a blue moon) .... again that my friends are far away.  No one close to say hey, let's go for a coffee..... I'm bored, come over.  And then I realized the card making is triggering this and bringing it up.  How?  Because cards are made to be given or sent to someone.  And I don't have that many people to give them too.  Making them reminds me of this.  I liked the card I made for Muriel.  It was one that I got to colour in the stamp.  I think that gave me some peace for a while from my turbulent 
emotions.

I do look forward to getting those paint pencils as I want to try making something with them.  I don't think I will make so much cards, as I will make drawing paintings.  

I was un-hungry all day yesterday too. (un-hungry = not body hungry, but wanting to eat because emotionally hungry)   I just so wanted to eat.  I know I had a bit more yesterday, but I was able to keep within what I can eat.  Between card making fails and bringing up emotions... and apparently when one lets go of weight (as in losing weight) it releases emotions that had been 'in the fat cells too'.  Don't know about that last one, but it sounds believable! ha 

Didn't rain as much as we need.  Saturday we read the papers and watched tv.  Today (Sunday) more tv.  Think I will get back to my painting.

And tomorrow.... the SMALL dog park.......

Blind?

A little add on - 

Just in case you wonder if I'm blind.... I'm not.  I know I view Kim and Michelle and their friendship and mine with Michelle thru the self ego eyes. I know I make it more then it is, and study every little slight thru my ego again.

And today on facebook, (I'm friends with Kim,) she posted more numerous posts with / about her and Michelle.  Michelle posted one commenting Gracie is now one of the big dog pack.  Reading that I knew I was right about her going asap to the big dog park/side.  Kim posted a few about the dogs and Michelle...and just posted a photo of her dinning table with a comment of waiting for Michelle and hubby to come over for fish n chips.  She posts often when they all have lunch or dinner.  

Me..... my ego..... notices that today there was a mega increase in Kim's posts about Michelle / Gracie.

And it hurts.  I know ultimately it's my jealousy coming thru.  My want.  My hurt.  My desire to have Michelle as a friend .... and super hurt that I couldn't also be friends with Kim.  Hurt that I couldn't find a connection with both of them.  Hurt that I got lost out on a fight I didn't even want to be in... and hurt that I allow myself to be affected by it.  My longing to have a friend here - not exactly that it must be Michelle, but someone that I connect with and have the same interests - that makes this ego thing more intense I suspect.

Think I will need to work harder at letting all this go and forgetting about any friendship with Michelle - it's just not going to happen.  As far as asking her to look after the cats if we go away - yes I will do that, and yes I will chat with her at the park when / if she comes over to the small side, but otherwise, it just hurts too much, and I let myself, my ego get too involved about it.

Sigh.

Playdate

Jax got to have a play date at the park with Gracie this morning.  Gracie is Michelle's new puppy. (She's the one that painted for a while with me).  We met at 830am.  The pups where filthy after 1 hour of playing - but boy did they have fun!

At 930am I had to get going anyway, and tada - Kim - marched in then over to the small park.  I saw her coming into the small park, and said to Michelle well I'd better get going to my appointment..... got Jax leashed and started walking.  Kim barreled up towards us saying what are you doing over here (to Michelle) you should bring Gracie over to the the other park.... and walked right past me without even a hello.  She grabbed Gracie, said hi to her, put her down.  Gracie ran after Jax and me.  We were at the gate, and Michelle said it was ok to let her into the square.  (square is where you can choose which gate to go thru)  Kim came out opened the big park gate as I was getting ready to open the outside gate.  Thought I'd better wait in case any ran out.  The big dogs lunged at Gracie to sniff.  As I left I did here her yelp, and Kim saying play nice with her..........  

I can see next time - we sorta planned for Monday at 830am - that Michelle will be or at least start going into the big park with Gracie.  (she's only 13 pounds)   Funny thing is Michelle is nervous about Jake as that dog is a bit of a questionable with little dogs.  And there are a few that even she says are prey driven.  Michelle said her hubby didn't want Gracie over there either.  I can see that Kim will override Michelle and have Gracie with the big dogs....therefore have Michelle with her and not able to talk with me.  Thing is - that's Michelle's issue - if she can't tell Kim to back off, and continues to side/do as Kim wants.....  I'm not getting involved.  I really, seriously, don't want to fight over a friend.  Screw it, Kim can have her.  And if Michelle and I happened to get together, fine.  But I'm also not going to go out of my way for this.  Or give in and chance Jax getting hurt.

Yes, it pisses me off.  Yes it pisses me off that Michelle follows Kim.  Yes it pisses me off that I want Michelle to be a friend with me - but I know I can't control her or her choices.  I can only control mine, and yes, it pisses me off that I still would like to be friends with Michelle.  And yes, it pisses me off that I know this whole issue is ridiculous. It also saddens me that I back off (tho it's best for me).  But by backing off, when I do happen to see or talk with Michelle, I hold back and don't talk too much - I don't want to say anything that will A) get back to Kim or B) be too intense and C) I don't know what to say..... it's never been an ability to just pick up a friendship talk like nothing happened.  I'm too aware of issues.  And that pisses me off because I'm allowing all this to control how I talk with Michelle..... and gives control again to Kim....which, yup, pisses me off!  ha ha ha.

Last week one of the big dogs ended up with stitches.  Few weeks before there was a bit of a tussle. Most dogs are ok, I know that.  And yes Jax can play with them, but he doesn't like to - I've seen it.  He likes the little ones.  The way he wrestled with Gracie - it's not because he's afraid etc.

Most funniest thing was Jax wears his halter in the park.  Never thought much about it.  Gracie found it and would bite then hang on to it and try to drag him around.  Michelle said she likes to carry the leashes and pull the dogs.  (Michelle has 2 others - 1 havi and 1 Wheaton).  

Jax would then get to humping Gracie.  At one point he had his butt at her face, told him to watch out that she didn't bite it off!  She's still getting her adult teeth and is biting everything Michelle said.

*********

I tried making some thank you cards for the family.  Will post them on Krystal's Colours on Sunday.  They didn't turn out that great I thought.

This weekend it's suppose to rain.  Suppose to start this evening... it's looking cloudier out there.  I do hope we get rain.  I'm thinking I'd better make dinner soon, before the rains come as a few drops and bang - the electricity goes out here.  Seriously, we've had more outages in the last year in this place then all the years we lived in the Cove.

AJ's wrinkly elephant butt one cheek is purple and yellow and green..... that fall he had this week finally showed it's colours.  Yeah, you just needed to know that, right!  

Elephant Butt

One of those days in the London city.  Dropped Jax off for day care, and AJ had an appointment with the skin doctor.  Traffic detours, ugh.  Afterwards a bit of shopping.

Guess what!  Costco Canada FINALLY got Premier Protein Shakes - Caramel in.  I wonder if they will ever get the cookies and cream too.  I quickly ordered vanilla, my usual and caramel.  Funny thing was I was running out of Premier shake and was thinking we will have to go to Costco as that's the best price.  Was thinking we could stop in today, at first and I'd get some.  Have to pay the membership yearly price as that's run out.  I had gotten a few different shakes from the states, but in the end it's the Premier that I like the best.  Vanilla and Caramel are my favourite.  Didn't know how long Costco would have it in stock..... and if you see something at Costco.... you get it asap.

I only knew about it as I happened to be on facebook and another IPA member posted.  Stopped, went onto Costco site, found it, told AJ, got his card and ordered.  Unfortunately both the vanilla and caramel were cases of 18, which was fine, but x2.  Had to buy them x2 instead of just one case of each.  Now I have 2 cases of each.  That will last me for the rest of the year.  I basically use the shake for my coffee.  Instead of regular milk or nut milk, I use the shakes - works out best for me.

Ah, ment to let you know Saturday night when I went to bed, feeling stressed and upset and heartbroken over my hair colour.... yeah, I know, seriously, it's just colour, go get it fix, no reason to stress over it.... I listened to a binuaral beat on answers and just for a split second I had the insight that I was so unhappy because I was trying to control something - as in what happened with my hair - and it didn't turn out/work out as I wanted it.  Was this going to change my being happy?

I couldn't hold the thought as I was very spacey, tired, and unfocused.  Fell asleep.  But I was able the next day to remember thru the fog that insight.  I reminded myself that happiness was a choice.  I did focus on choosing happiness... even tho for two days I was spacey then on Monday sick/fatigued.

I'm not exactly sure what was with Monday's fatigue and sleepiness.  Now that I'm clearer and feel better I wonder if eating those sandwiches - being wheat and gluten - inflamed me.  I do know on Sunday evening when I was bringing the remaining sandwiches down for our dinner that my one knee wasn't working too well.  I know too that on Sunday night I was restless in bed, unable to fall asleep, so I took a few homeopathic pills to relax.  Sometimes that makes me foggy the next day.  Rarely use them.  Probably what did it.

Today I'm back as happy.  Went had my lasering done the other day too. I like Cate.  I hope maybe I can develop a bit of a friendship with her.  Would be so nice to have a friend around here.

AJ goes this week too for his injection into his shoulder.  Hope it helps ease his pain.  Oh, he fell the other day in the bathroom.  The cleaner had left the rug on the floor instead of putting it back on the tub, and he kicked it and tried to pick it up, and fell.  Broke the toilet seat, cut his upper good arm, and ripped skin off lower on his arm.  Fell on his butt.  

I helped him up. Cleaned his wounds, bandaged him.... and told him no, I wasn't going to kiss his cute little wrinkly elephant butt cuz I had to go to Canadian Tire and get a toilet seat before they closed!  ha ha ha.

He's fine.  A bit of a bruise on the upper arm.  Scared but healing.  And the toilet seat is cushy now.  Only one available as they had a sale and most were gone.

Such is life!

  


















  

Post Family

Family showed up and it was nice.  Stayed inside as it was hot outside.  The women loved the garden and all the work I had done.

I had gotten my hair and nails done on Friday.  Nails came out well.  Hair.... not so much.  The cut is fine, as I wanted, but the colour, not.  I had told her specifically about how much I wanted a dramatic change, I even pointed to her hair and said I wanted blond like you.  At the end, I said it wasn't blond.  She said it's the toner, she left it on too long, just wash it.  I washed it 4 times with clarifying  shampoo.  I was heartbroken on Saturday.  It just wasn't dramatic blond.  I did end up f/b messaging her how disappointment I was.  I wasn't mean, just sad and heartbroken.  I couldn't see her as she was gone away for the weekend.  Basically same colouring as before with blonder ends.

Sunday went well.  I got Subway sandwiches, salad / veg tray / fruit tray from Superstore and nantas. They brought gifts - tea, coffee (I asked as they wanted to bring something), chocolates, then hand soap (? ok), cat hanger, dog magnetic and more chocolate (ugh).  I put the chocolates later in the freezer and hid them.  I did eat the sandwiches and nantas.  And then we had the leftovers for dinner.  Of course there's more salad leftover... ha ha ha.

Today I've been spacey and fatigued.  Had to go for the bone xray today.  Will have to wait until October to get the blood results for Dr P - when I see him, can't mail them to me apparently.  So I guess I can wait til then.......and wonder why 3 months instead of 6 months!  ha ha ha

That's all I got.  Sorry.  Night.

Happy Room

Ah, you will be happy to know I got my semi-act together and took photos, AND downloaded those cards I made.  I even got organized and wrote them up for Sunday's Blog on Krystal's Colours 

Will have them up and ready for Sunday.

Today I'm a bit exhausted.  And the cleaner is coming - hurray!  Just on edge and tired.  Challenge is to be focused on food plan today.

And happy?

Yup.  I'm still happy.

I have one of my beats that is an affirmation one, which has two sentences.

1.  Happiness is a choice.

2.  If I'm not happy one day, I can still be grateful for things.


I've been thinking on that happy feeling.  I realized for me, to be happy I needed to make room for those feelings.  It\s not something new to hear happiness is a choice or just choose to be happy or just act happy and you will be happy.

Nope. No. Naha.  That didn't work for me.

What worked?  Well.  I cleared room in my mind and in my heart.  THEN there was room in me to be happy feeling.

I've been watching this for a while as I wasn't sure if it was a fluke and would leave soon again.  But it's been months now.  First thing I noticed I was much more easier about God.  I have room in me for God again.  As like a God of before?  No.  But God.  Driving to my sis's I was singing and a WOW worship song came on.....and I sang away, content, happy and seeing God is a confused, perplexed mixed sense in me.  And I'm good with that now   I can do the 'church' God, yet still lean toward the Energy Divine Spirit.  So for me that's good and made room for some happiness to come in.

Being in this house that is now in order gave me a big healing of releasing.  So helped calm me, let go of all the stress involved with moving etc.  There was room there to be happy.

Then I have been doing a lot of that childhood healing work.  Especially the stuff that is with Joan / comes out of the sessions with her.  That leading to taking back my power, clearing those old beliefs really made a lot of room - and it filled with happiness and contentedness.

#2.  I like that because there are days where feeling or being happy just isn't happening.  It eases up happy.  It makes it ok to not be happy every moment, every day.  It allows me to recognize that some moments I'm just not going to be feeling all that up, and it's good.  Allows room, which makes more room for happy to come again.

And now, it's time for lunch!

How's It Going Along

Some how not doing much is very busy.

Since coming home from Sunday's card day, I've been busy all week, and yet not sure what to tell you.  Things are going well and I'm happy.

I ordered some more things from my sis.  I want to do some Christmas Cards with those paint pencils - I need the 'card' part.  She ordered them for me.  As we talked, I told her how amazing her newsletter was.  She created one for her stuff she does.  It is SO well written - I can't post it because she's so much better then me at writing!  ha ha ha.  Actually she really did do a great newsletter, and it's her's so I don't think I should post it.  What I did suggest to her is that she go to the church.  Talk with the Pastors.  Tell them she's Mom's daughter, and Dan's mother (as they both go to the church).  Then when she said she really just loves teaching/doing it and not for the money - I said offer them to donate the extra money (after products paid) to the church.

I sent an email to one of the church members about it, and Stephanie (my Steph not sis's) said she was actually going to do some with a friend.  Ask her to get her friend to connect with sis.  Steph also said that sis should contact the Pastors.

Hopefully she will, and it will work out all around.

I did start the laser on Monday.  Had my second treatment today.  I do feel calmer and focused.  I ordered a few essential oils which should come in on Friday.  Did DoTerra's Console and Motivate.  

I haven't gotten any more insights of late.  I continue with the beats.  Organized them for each night - 6 in total with 1 open night.  Basically a few on weight loss, then moving forward and change.

AJ's family comes Sunday as I mentioned.  I'm so hoping this cleaner will show up tomorrow.... otherwise I will have to clean.  Plan to cut the grass Saturday.

I am a bit surprised with eating a bit better that I am worn and fatigued a bit too.  I go for my bone scan/xray on Monday.  And have my next appointment with the oncologist in October. I asked the secretary if I could get a copy of the blood work, yes, she will mail it to me.

Chest gets sore more towards the mid afternoon / evening.  I'm wondering if some of my vitamins is helping during the day.  Just have to figure out which one then!

That's about it for the moment.

Cards

Had a nice time yesterday making cards with my sis and cousin, and my sis's friend - Stephanie.  Made 4 cards.  They turned out well.  Guess I should take a picture of them.  Will do that later and then post them.

Ah - that reminds me - I didn't post my Krystal's Colours ones.  Hang on.  Sorry about that.  Really have to work at remember those!  I haven't been doing much painting lately so I guess it's gone out of my head.

Long drive of course.  Sang my way there and back.  Traffic was busier coming home, but eventually got here at 8pm.

The card making was enjoyable.  Problem is, I don't know what to do with them.  Not much of a card sender.  Shame in a way that one doesn't send written notes that much anymore.  I did order from her, some paint pencils.  Something new for me to try.  And in November sis has a stain glass card making something or other thing - booked to go to that.

My cousin was there.  Yuph, didn't talk much with her.  But at least this time I was good with it.  I didn't worry or wonder, I just let it be.  I thanked her for the birthday present - stamping (card) stuff so I can make a few more things.  

Sis's friend Stephanie was nice - liked her.  She talked.  She asked about my tattoos and said she wanted one.  Sis had told me she wants one with the boys name on.  Told them both to come up and I could book with Mike - we could make a day of it, they could stay over night and if wanted we could go to the States shopping too!  Might be a plan.  Cousin isn't coming, no surprise.

Asked cousin if she could come up in August so time ..... NO.  Ok, just wondering.  Will not ask again.  As I left she mumbled trying to come in September.  Told her whatever works.

Sis had her mentor in Card making (Northern Stamp) come by too towards the end, she again like last time didn't talk much with anyone but sis.

Saw my mom too before going over to do the cards.  Was fine.  Nothing overly interesting.  She did give me some old cups from her wall unit as a birthday present.  Guess she realized and thought about it.  She said she didn't have money.  I told her thank you they were nice.  I have no idea what to do with them.  Her aunt give them to her about 30 yrs ago.  I washed them and put them in the cupboard.  Online you ask?  Thought of looking them up too.  Maybe will do one day.  I do like them, and I did like that great aunt.

Weather has turned hot again.  Back hiding in the house.  Need to get to cleaning / tidying as this Sunday AJ's family show up.   Clean is suppose to come on Thursday.  Next Monday I go for those bone xrays.

And the library books - I got thru them...just one left and just a few more chapters on it.  Read 6 books in a few weeks.

Clean...... finish reading....... guess what I'm off to do!

Night Mares

Too bad I'm not talking about black horses.......

Lately I've been having troubling dreams.  Not that anything is overly scary.  They are just upsetting when I wake.

Last night I had two.  One was something about a house.  I'm sorry but I just can't remember exactly what happens in them.  It's been happening for a few nights - not every night tho.

This morning I dreamt I was in bed, and my father came into the bed with me and was trying to feel me up / wanting to have sex.  Eventually I was able to say this wasn't going to work, mom is cooking in the kitchen.  I was thinking I really need to have sex with someone else.

Woke kinda nauseated. Sigh.Sometimes I think those memories will always be with me, and come up off and on - and still nauseate me when I remember.  I know it happened, I've dealt with is a lot, but the memories that come......they will probably always shake me a bit at first.  I am calmer with them as the time goes on, and I place them in my mind in their awareness and let them go.

So, going back tho to the dreams.  And why.  I'm not sure.  They only thing I can closely link to the dreams is I am listening to the binaural beats - a specific one on Letting Go.  

Mantra to Overcome Attachment and Letting Go ❯ MOH MOHIYA ❯ Mantra Meditation Music   

There's something about it that I like.  Even if it's causing nightmares, I still want to listen to it.  I think there's something in it that resonates with me - and that I need it.  So I continue to listen to it.

I sense that I'm bringing up memories and clearing them out.

*************

Happy that yesterday and today was cooler.  Got the grass cut.  Tomorrow I go to sis's for that card making day.  Apparently my cousin and sis's friend will be there too.  4 of us in total.  Don't really look forward to the drive there and back as it's long, but I do like the chance to see them.  Will be interesting to see how my cousin will be with me.

Nothing else much happening.  Bit itchy feeling still.  Much better today.

There is kennel cough going around in the dog park.  Bit of a concern as I did bring Jax this morning - no one really for him to play with.  Will keep away again with the heat coming back.  Hope Jax will be ok from today's visit.  He really needed a change.  Poor little pup stuck so much in the house with the heat.  

That's about it.

Skin

Ugh.  I'm itchy lately, feels like tiny bugs crawling on me.  And when I look - nothing.  

Today my feet are swollen? burn? puffy?  Not really sure how to explain, but they are sore and tender especially on the ball part.  It's like I can feel it poking out.  Doesn't make sense, I know.

My whole body feels uncomfortable in my skin.  It's like I'm trying to get out of it.  Like I want to pull or rip it off.  I can't breathe in it.  Like I'm itchy all over too.  And I want to cry.  I just want to get away from it.

Funny or weird thing is - I'm in a good (tho want to cry) happy mood.  Lately I've been singing... off key, but still singing.

I have stopped to see if I could tell what is going on, so far not much.  Wondered if it was with regards to my weight plans again.  So I talked and said I was choosing to do this for me, because I simply don't want to be so heavy, I'd rather be slim - and fit into those other clothes, those green or beige pants I have.

Still the edginess stays.  And the breathing is harder.  I KNOW I am getting air in, but it just feels so difficult at times, even without the chest pains.  I hope this humidity and heat are gone soon.  There is a thunderstorm banging around outside, no rain, just noise.

Last night I got the deck washed and cleaned.  Had to do it myself as the guy with the power washer - truck broke.  Then I washed the windows as I was wet already, so that's a bonus.  Took my time, rested, continued.  It's done for the year.

Saw the specialist the other day.  Saw him, knew I liked him.  He was nice.  Explained MGUS, listened about my chest pains - and wondered why no one ruled out heart issue, so he's sending me for that.  He said that usually he would be concerned when the levels were at 30 (I'm at 7) but it's good to keep an eye on it. Wondered if anyone was - no.  Wondered why RA doc ran tests - she wanted to check it. Kinda wondered why my NP wasn't more on top of things......yeah, but then my real NP is on mat leave.......

He did more exact blood work, and said he'd send me for a full body bone xray/scan.  Then if nothing shows, I'd see him in 6 months.  That works for me.  I should see the heart doc in about 2 weeks.

Ah the rains have come.

As AJ and I walked out we both wondered and said he looks so much like the doc that AJ saw first when we were looking into his kidney cancer issues.  The name was exactly the same too.  I bet it is as he was just as polite and informative then as he was with me.  Will ask next time I see him.

AJ also got a call for the surgeon re his shoulder.  Saw him today.  Basically.... well basically his shoulder is f*cked.  It's been years of damage.  He should have seen a doc almost 10 years ago on it - maybe then they could have done surgery.  Now, the muscles/nerves etc are so far gone/stretched that surgery will not help.  And if he had to do any surgery it would be a reverse shoulder - and basically couldn't wipe his butt afterwards because of the movement.

What we can do - what Doc will do - is cortisone shots.  Hopefully that will help him.  Doc was surprised with all the damage done that AJ could still move it etc.  That's because he has no other option I think.  It's his only working arm and his lifeline to walking etc.

I'd better get off the computer with the thunder rolling, it's noisy out there.  That's about it for the moment anyways.

Ugh my skin.....I wonder if it's a shedding of the old me?  Probably. 

Subway to Japan

I had a perplexing dream that has not left me.

First - AJ's family is coming and we are serving Subway wraps and sandwiches.  

Second - I think Japan is .... precise, calm and regal.

Third - I've never been too interested in working.

Dream -. I was going to work and stopped at Subway for a wrap.  

I had to be at work by 10 because I was going to Japan. (I believe).  

They were taking a long time with my wrap, I was getting upset.  I tried to go behind the counter but the weather changed seasons.  (Yeah ???). I went back out front and started crying that I had to get to work as the plane was leaving at 10.  I was getting desperate, and wanting my wrap/sandwich.  

I tried going behind again but the house had different rooms and I couldn't find the sandwich making counter.  (Yeah ???)

I was crying that I now missed my plane and they continued to ignore me.  I wanted to leave but I couldn't because I didn't have my wrap/sandwich.

I was so stressed, upset, list, crying, disappointed, wondering why I didn't just leave.  And still trying to get them to make/give me my wrap.

So....am I still over focused on food?  Am I changing?  Am I ?????

I haven't figured out yet about this dream.  Sent it off to Joan for her insight.

Today was an early day as I had my oncologist appointment.  Was up at 6am, showered, breakfast, walk, and off.  Jax went to daycare and went continued on.  Got there on time, and went to have my bloodwork done.  

Saw the doc.  As soon as I saw him, I liked him.  He was very, very nice and polite.  Young doctor, very knowledgeable and respectful - listened, explained and asked.  

As I knew, I'm not close to the concern level of 30 (I'm just at 7), but he was fine with getting a base line and paying attention to it  Asked who was monitoring it - no one.  He did more special blood work and will give me the results.  He is sending me for full xray to see whether there any bone lesions.

Best part - with my learning to change - I answered his questions as best I could and as honestly as I could - instead of whining of my pain - I told him - yes, I have pain, it's changed and it changed last fall.  But as of summer lately I am better.  I didn't focus on what little pain I do have. I did say that my fatigue is very high.

As AJ and I left we talked about the Doctor P - we both agreed he looked so much like the one in Barrie that AJ saw when he was having kidney cancer.  Realized later - same doctor!!!  Will have to talk to him about that the next time I see him.  Unless the bloodwork or xray show anything of concern, I will just see him in 6 months.  I don't believe I will be seeing him earlier. 

And lasering?  Perfectly fine with him.

Happy day overall.  😊