I realized (need to find another word - use that too much, hang on) comprehend, recognized, grasped.. a thought about friends. I need to ... admit, perceive, note .. stop trying to be friends that aren't for me. I seem to be attracted to people that just don't have the time or interest in me - Michelle, sis, Elizabeth etc. I have a connection with them, but am unable to plug in and hold a friendship. Otherwise I end up with friends that live/move far away. Hubby doesn't count, tho even he wouldn't be with me if we weren't married.
Even as I child under 5 yrs old, I had friends. Lots actually. Then one by one they move far away and the few that were left were A) boys and B) not interested in maintaining a friendship and lastly C) no similar interests. Then their were the ones who were only interested in what I could give them, pay them, what they could take from me. At least I learned finally to not have them in my life now.
I don't get it. I know I've written about this before, sorry, bare with me, I need to write it out again. I know I have quirks just like everyone else. And I am aware of what some of my quirks are. But I am able to tolerate, work with, allow quirks in others to be there - for the most part. Biggest issue I feel I have is I never learnt to naturally be friends with others. I have worked on that. I have learnt to allow others there quirks - and then write out what's driving me crazy about them so I don't explode on them. Maybe that's it - they know I see, or they feel I judge them. That breaks my heart if it's the case. I really don't desire to judge anyone. I don't want to be someone like that. I just don't know how to ... file them. I am someone whose quirk is to file things / to organize things / to look beyond what is said and try to understand what is really behind it - and work with that truth. With quirks here AJ does stay with me and I do know he loves me, hence we continue to stay married. If they were that bad or I was that crazy - I'm sure he would have divorced me over the years.
On TV Sheldon is loved as he is (Big Bang) and his friends stay with him. As a child I longed for a loving TV family life like Brady Bunch. Life isn't TV though. Then again, I don't want to be friends with someone who I don't connect with or that I can see really trigger me into having to bite my tongue. That wouldn't be a true friendship then - I'd be someone else for that then, and it takes a lot of energy to do that.
It HAS to be me. It has to be something I'm doing - otherwise it wouldn't happen so often that I am unable to maintain friendships. What is wrong with me? I don't want to be anyone else. Yes I do want to change me inside, and outside! ha ha ha. But not to be fake - to be someone or something I'm not. I could pretend to be someone else? I couldn't hold that for long and then they'd really not want to be friends with me.
For the most part I''m ok with being alone. I'm grateful I'm married to AJ who does tolerate and love me, quirks and all. It does help having him around to talk with, as I love to talk and share thoughts with someone else. He's open to listening to me and is patient. But when this scab is scraped and the wound of friendships is opened, it simply hurts. It's like I've cut a vein open and just bled all out again and again. I wish I knew how to completely heal it so that it doesn't bleed again the next time.
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