AJ's Challenge

AJ had a bit of a challenging day on Thursday.  

Before Christmas he went for a biopsy on his chest.  The surgeon picked out a bit of a mole/mark on his upper right chest.  Then last week we got a call to come in for a follow up. Cool, ok, no problem.  We went on Thursday to the hospital to see the doctor and hear what he had to say.

Doc comes in, gets out a razor and says he's going to shave AJ's chest a bit.  Ok, I thought (and AJ thought) he wants to get a closer look at how it was doing.  He shaves a lot.....uh... I think, he knows he did the biopsy right?  he's not going to do it again is he?  So I say - so what did the results that you took say?  He starts shoving needles into AJ's chest.

He says - oh, it's cancer, but we caught it early.  Shock to both of us as he continues.  Finally he says he's going to cut more out.  And starts - AJ says yes he can feel the cut, so more needle, still can feel the cutting...more needle... doc says he'll be back in 5 mins to let it freeze a bit more.  Seriously!  Couldn't you wait to let it freeze before cutting him?  Even the dentist waits a bit!!!!!

I'm fine with blood, surgery, pus, etc.  But because I was a bit pukey before we even got there, and the sudden shock of AJ's skin cancer, and my anxiety, I started getting nauseaed.  More so because of the smell of the antiseptic.  I went to the washroom to pee, my face was white, then I felt better.  I walked back into the room.... the smell... I thought I'd toss.  I sat down, watched him cut out a chunk of AJ's chest - no problem, saw all the blood - no problem, the cauterizing and smoke - no problem.  But that smell of antiseptic.  I had to leave again.  Nurse came to check on me - yeah I'm fine.  I worked 10 years in emergency - granted as a clerk, but still there was a lot of all that stuff around that never bothered me.  Went back in as the nurse was finishing up.   Went home.

Both of us were very, very upset with the doctor and his attitude.  AJ was upset at feeling the cutting.  We both were extremely upset that the doc didn't say what the results were, just started shaving/cutting without talking to us, letting us know what was happening, giving us a minute to digest, and explain what would happen.  Have to go back in 3 weeks to get the stitches out.  Oh, and when he was finishing he 'forgot' to stitch inside before he started cauterizing as the nurse wasn't there.  Said to the nurse never mind I can't see where anymore anyway.

This was around 1pm.  During dinner at 6pm, AJ went to the washroom and looked at his chest.  Called me.  There was a lot of blood under the bandage.  I wasn't totally sure if I should just pull it off and see... so I said let's go to urgent care.  Which then said no, go to the emergency.  4 hours later the doctor agreed with me.  I had said I should have just pulled off the bandage and got out the glue gun.  He went and got some glue and put it on.  Was a nice doctor, gave us an extra bandage and gauze.  Explained to put on pressure and it should be ok.  He mumbled about the stitching.  I personally thought it was a lousy job.  AJ will have a little lump where some of the skin is together.

AJ's right side is really taking a beating.  First the stroke affects his total right side.  Then he has two surgeries on his hip, his appendix out, kidney out, skin cancer now and lately he's been having trouble standing up because of thigh pain/muscle weakness.... all this on his right side.

As we sat in the hospital room I said to AJ that this is where I feel I should have known better as to what to do.  I should have just dealt with it at home, or I should have made them take him in urgent care.  I should have known what to do.  This is where shame comes in - the should have is made personal to me as in it makes me feel I'm stupid/worthless/dumb as apposed to not knowing what to do and going to emergency.  He said he didn't get it - why should/would I know what to do?  How would I know what to do?  I just looked at him and said because I should know.  Why?  Because.....because.......because..... I thought of an example i use often to explain my father:

As a child I would put a glass on the table in a certain way, and it would be fine.  The next day I would put the same glass on the table in the exact same way - and I would get smacked/ yelled at.  I couldn't figure out why one day it was fine and the other it wasn't or what was different.  All I knew was I did something wrong, and I should have known what it was!  I should have known what to do right.  Only someone stupid wouldn't have guessed/ figured it out before getting yelled at - and I'm stupid / worthless / dumb... I shouldn't exist if I don't know before hand what to do.

Yes, in some ways I know it's old stuff and it's not true.  But when it comes to others, or something important, I still struggle some with it and the feelings.  I still want to have the answers/ to know what to do / to be able to be right in what choices I take/decide on. 

It;s why I start micro managing things with AJ.  Taking his card, talking to the receptionist/nurse/doc etc.  I feel I'm able to do these things, I know what to do.

Now, if only I knew what to do to help AJ deal with his right side.  And his thigh muscle.....

Shame Insights

I've been pretty happy the last few days.  I did work on some shame issues, mediated etc on it.  And I got some insights, usually when I went to bed, and then had to get up to write them down. Ha ha ha.

First just a bit more information on shame:  some of the physical aspects are flushed face, eyes down, head down/bent over, hesitant speech.  These are aspects that I had/have (still the flushed face at times) especially as a child.

So what came up were:

Ashamed of how my body reacts sexually.
Ashamed of how it looks when I'm eating.  ( ? baby breast?)
Mother/breast/sex/food.  I wonder if there's something about when my mother breast fed me that I got feelings that it was semi-sexual for her?  ????

Ashamed of being exposed (my body exposed?)

And two of the biggest insights:
I am of no value therefore I eat foods of no nutritional value.
And
I am ashamed of myself/body: I eat foods that I'm ashamed of eating/appear shameful.

Other then those insights coming up, I haven't figured out what to do about them.

Some other stuff:
I had gotten rid of all my previous journals, even from childhood, all my writings etc.  One or two papers/books survived, one of them is from 2007 to 2012.  Mostly writings from courses that I had done.  I came across it the other night when I couldn't sleep.  Reading it I found I struggled with accepting myself then too.  Moreso on just accepting myself in general as apposed to what I'm writing about now and accepting my body.  Then it was about accepting my insides more.  I am better with that I think.

Other things that popped out:  There's a lot based on and in God that I had written and some of it is 'step work'.  Probably AA and OA and SLAA stuff.

Focus on what you want; not what you don't want.  Energy flows where intention goes.

Jung says - The addict is really looking for God, but somehow got off the path.

I can't control the outcome but I can control the path.

The real quality of the soul is revealed not in the way it yields to temptation, but in the way that it recovers from failure.

March 1/12 - Thought about how I have so many blood reports - always looking for what's wrong with me.  Cuz if there's something, then I can possibly be fixed.  If not, then I'm like 'this' and nothing can be done.  (that I think I struggle have in me)

Dr Lloyd says I'm not going to gain weight if I eat it; AA says I will never be able to stop.

I want calm, simple and peace; I create chaos, destruction and confusion.

I wonder if I still feel like I'm a mistake.

March 12/12 - Push it/them away.  Nothing is dependable.  Even God.  (I wonder if this is when I started turning away even more from God)

Messed up attachment issues at that time from what I wrote.

March 15/12 - I'm a cactus!!  Surprisingly good.  Cactus can survive drought/floods, protects itself, let's animals live in it - if the animal is compatible.  And cactus bloom beautifully when you don't notice/realize it. (this came up in therapy)  Side note about the cactus:  after that therapy session AJ and I went to the nursery and looked for cactuses.  I found a small round type one, a thin one with a red ball type on top of it, and a thin one with three stocks coming off of it.  I bought them all.  As we were driving home, we were talking of the cactuses.  Suddenly I started laughing and said - the three stock one is God (God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit), the ball head one is you (AJ) and oh no, ha ha ha that means, of course the fat one is me! ha ha ha.  After a year the ball head AJ one fell over and I had to get rid of it.  After three years, the three stock had grown so much and I ended up giving it away.  I still have the fat one.  It's grown bigger, still round, but taller.....and no flowers - yet. 

Things about food/eating that came up in the last few days are:

My mother use to tell me; when she brought me home from the hospital and when I cried at night for food/feeding, she would start to get up but my father would tell her to get back into bed and ''let her cry''.  They would argue of course, and sometimes she would get up, other times not.

Years later, my father would shame me when I ate, and my mother would help him in her own way.

Standing looking at a dessert I was getting together for us (me and AJ) I focused on the emotion I was able to touch - came as shame/guilt/disgust/sadness which I felt in my throat and chest.

There you go; that's what has come up in the last few days.  Will continue to read on shame and see if I can connect with anything else.

More on the Shame Subject

For me, since I don't have anyone at the moment to discuss this with, I need to read and highlight bits that I have found interesting, so here are more:

From  Regulating and Coping with Shame:

In other words, they learn to expect shaming experiences, they learn to hide their flawed sense of self from others, and they interact with others in a way that increases the likelihood of receiving shaming messages.

With shame, people experience an accompanying desire to disappear or hide, or to “break into a thousand pieces”. More frequent and intense experiences with shame eventually lead to an internalization of shame. Internalization of shame is a condition in which a person feels flawed at their very core. They experience a “badness” about themselves that does not change regardless of their actions. Some experience this as “not ever being good enough”, “having a bad effect on others”, and “being broken in some way but not being certain about how or why they are broken”.

According to many theorists (Harper & Hoopes, 1990; Kaufman, 1996), the internalization of shame has roots in the dynamics of interpersonal relationships early in life and is subsequently influenced by interactions with peers, teachers, extended family, and in adult contexts such as romantic relationships and work. Internalization of shame, sometimes referred to as proneness to shame (Cook, 1996), is related to the absence of three processes in families which Harper & Hoopes (1990) referred to as the affirmation triangle. The three processes are accountability, intimacy, and appropriate dependency. When any one of these processes is absent in family relationships, individuals will experience and internalize shame.

In conditions where dependency, accountability, or intimacy are absent, children internalize shame and become shame prone meaning that they begin to view the world as a place where they expect shame from others and actually do things that bring shame upon them. The received the message that they are inconvenient to their parents, that their basic feelings are inappropriate, and their interpersonal world is unpredictable.

According to Panskepp (2004), while people have the inherent capacity to experience affects of different kinds, the environment they are raised in interacts with these affect programs in their brains and can increase the likelihood that an individual will use certain affect programs over others. An example would be a child who experiences a lot of fear training his affect systems to more easily and quickly go to fear. When a child feels anger, fear, or sadness, if the parent is threatened by the presence of emotion in the child, or if the parent sends a message that the emotion is inappropriate or inconvenient, the child will experience shame, and when this happens frequently, children will internalize shame and assume that something about them is flawed because the feelings emanate from them but seem to be rejected by others as something bad. Over time the internalization of shame leads to what Miller (2008) calls a presentation of a false self in which a person presents an image to others that is not congruent with their internal experience of themselves and their world.

According to Kaufman (1996), individuals proceed through several steps to finally internalizing shame. In the first stage, they exhibit self contempt, self blaming, and negative comparisons of themselves to others. As they continue to give more energy to such thoughts and behaviors, they move to stage II in which they begin to disown attachment needs, feelings, and what Kaufman calls self clusters such as the child self, the adolescent self, and the needing self. In time an individual eventually moves to the third stage in which splitting, seeing the self as all negative and others as all positive, takes over. The final step in the process is one in which the whole person bases their identity on shame. They arrive at the conclusion that it is better to receive affirmation for one’s badness rather than no acknowledgement at all. In family systems without a healthy affirmation triangle (accountability, intimacy, and dependency) this development sequence for shame proceeds fairly quickly and at young ages.

Fearing discovery, the shame based person reacts first by distancing in the relationship so that the anticipated discovery of shame by the other person and the feared abandonment and rejection when their shame is discovered is never realized. Becoming defensive and blaming others is also used to protect oneself from intense experience of shame. Substance use and sexual compulsivity are behaviors that are often used to avoid the more dark feelings of shame. While these activities do not resolve the internalized shame, they help individuals temporarily feel better and suspend for a time the feelings of shame. Unfortunately, the shame usually returns with more intensity as the individual deals with their feelings about their behavior or experiences the interpersonal disruptions that are often accompanied by drug and alcohol use and sexual behavior outside the relationship. Self harm, eating disorders and rage are also ways of defending against shame. Again, they do not resolve internalized shame, and they contribute to become more shame prone, but they allow people to escape for a short time from the intense shame affect. Fee & Tangney (2000) found that procrastination was another way of avoiding the risk of being shamed.

Compass of Shame Scale, CoSS (Elison, Pulos, &, Lennon, 2006; Nathanson, 1992).- This scale measures use of the four shame coping styles, namely Attack Self, Withdrawal, Attack Other, and Avoidance. In the Withdrawal category, a person acknowledges the experience as negative, accepts shame’s message as valid, and tries to hide from the situation. In the Attack Self category, the person experience is negative, shame is internalized, and anger is turned inward on the self. A person in the Avoidance category does not acknowledge the negative experience of self, denies the message of shame, and distracts from painful feeling. In the Attack Other category, a person often does not accept the negative experience of self and often denies the shame message the negative experience of self, typically does not accept shame’s message, and then blames or ridicules someone else.

And a bit from: Shutting Shame Down

The Catch-22, of course, is that shame creates emotional patterns that make us reluctant to face it down. After all, who wants to look inward when what’s staring back is a painful emotion that makes us feel unworthy and unlovable? Ultimately, though, avoiding or suppressing this universal feeling can result in long-term emotional and physical consequences that trump the short-term discomfort that accompanies self-analysis and honesty.

At its core, Brown says, shame “is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.

“We’re afraid that people won’t like us if they know the truth about who we are, where we come from, what we believe, how much we’re struggling, or, believe it or not, how wonderful we are when soaring.”

The emotional experience of shame is fueled by negative self-talk. The messages we tell ourselves in these moments, says Brown, are always a variation of “never good enough.” 

he end result, says Tamar Chansky, PhD, author of Freeing Yourself from Anxiety (Da Capo, 2012), “is that we feel bad about who we are. And in a preemptive strike, rather than waiting to be shunned, we hide” or engage in other distancing behaviors. “Then we think we aren’t deserving of good things; we become very negative about ourselves and our world gets much smaller.”

To compound matters, says Neff, people often have a lot of self-judgment about their shame, and it becomes a nasty cycle: An emotional wave washes over you, you blame yourself for getting stuck in a spiral of unworthiness, and then you feel even less deserving. Shame feeds shame. But by cultivating resiliency we can interrupt this negative emotional loop.

WOMEN'S shame generally centers on appearance and the need to be perceived as perfect. What’s more, women feel pressure to achieve beauty and perfection without appearing to put in any effort. If someone sees them sweat, it doesn’t count.

Good thing I happen to have that session with Jacqui coming up, and with that social worker Jerilyn next week.

Could It Be

Could it be SHAME?

Is that what I am deeply not seeing in myself?  I know a few nights ago Shame floated a bit in my mind before I slept.  I thought I wonder if I kept those papers from a book I got about Shame when I was involved with SLAA.  A member gave me the book to read and I copied informative pages.  In a fluke I took my rarely used tablet and opened it on, it required a lot of updates, one of them a mediation stress release CD.  I looked at it - it had release from Fear, Anger, Jealousy, Shame and a few more.  I read the Shame one for some reason and it reminded me.... is this something I need to look more into.  Of course that release one was 'locked' and I wasn't going to pay for it.

I'm ashamed.  When I look in the mirror and see my reflection - I'm ashamed.  That's why I don't want to exist; I don't want to see myself.

So onto the famous web.......  

Interesting to me from Wikipedia about Shame:

Shame is a painful, social emotion that can be seen as resulting "...from comparison of the self's action with the self's standards...".^[1] but which may equally stem from comparison of the self's state of being with the ideal social context's standard. 

Thus, shame may stem from volitional action or simply self-regard; no action by the shamed being is required: simply existing is enough.

  

A "sense of shame" is the feeling known as guilt but "consciousness" or awareness of "shame as a state" or condition defines core/toxic shame (Lewis, 1971; Tangney, 1998).

Two realms in which shame is expressed are the consciousness of self as bad and self as inadequate.^[4] People employ negative coping responses to counter deep rooted, associated sense of "shameworthiness".^[5] 

A "state of shame" is assigned internally from being a victim of environment where the sense of self is stigmatized like being denigrated by caregivers, overtly rejected by parents in favor of siblings needs, etc. and the same is assigned externally, by others, regardless of one's own experience or awareness.

According to cultural anthropologist Ruth Benedict, shame is a violation of cultural or social values while guilt feelings arise from violations of one's internal values. Thus shame arises when one's 'defects' are exposed to others, and results from the negative evaluation (whether real or imagined) of others; guilt, on the other hand, comes from one's own negative evaluation of oneself, for instance, when one acts contrary to one's values or idea of one's self.^[8]

Psychoanalyst Helen B. Lewis argued that, "The experience of shame is directly about the self, which is the focus of evaluation. 

"While guilt is a painful feeling of regret and responsibility for one's actions, shame is a painful feeling about oneself as a person."^[10]

"Shame is an acutely self-conscious state in which the self is 'split,' imagining the self in the eyes of the other; by contrast, in guilt the self is unified."^[11]

In this view, guilt is considered to be a learned behavior consisting essentially of self-directed blame or contempt, with shame occurring consequent to such behaviors making up a part of the overall experience of guilt.

Extreme or toxic shame is a much more intense experience and one that is not functional. In fact on this view toxic shame can be debilitating. 

Simply put: A person who feels guilt is saying "I did something bad.", while someone who feels shame is saying "I am bad". There is a big difference between the two.

Toxic shame: describes false, pathological shame, and Bradshaw states that toxic shame is induced, inside children, by all forms of child abuse. Incest and other forms of child sexual abuse can cause particularly severe toxic shame. Toxic shame often induces what is known as complex trauma in children who cannot cope with toxic shaming as it occurs and who dissociate the shame until it is possible to cope with.^[21]

Gershen Kaufman summed up many of the consequences of shame in one paragraph of his book on the psychology of shame:^[22]

...shame is important because no other affect is more disturbing to the self, none more central for the sense of identity. In the context of normal development, shame is the source of low self-esteem, diminished self image, poor self concept, and deficient body-image. Shame itself produces self-doubt and disrupts both security and confidence. It can become an impediment to the experience of belonging and to shared intimacy....It is the experiential ground from which conscience and identity inevitably evolve. In the context of pathological development, shame is central to the emergence of alienation, loneliness, inferiority and perfectionism. It plays a central role in many psychological disorders as well, including depression, paranoia, addiction, and borderline conditions. Sexual disorders and many eating disorders are largely disorders of shame. Both physical abuse and sexual abuse also significantly involve shame.

Those two bolds are hitting something in me.  AJ says that last one, which I read to him (did not read the first one to him) sounds a lot like me.

Well, there I go…. Might be something to look into…..

Sunday Reflects

More Snow.  And it was so nice and sunny this morning.  I had to go to Walmart to get a new diabetes monitor and strips and the old strips are not being available anymore. My levels are a bit up lately.  

Have to see NP Lindsay on Tuesday for more thyroid meds so I'm going to ask about checking my diabetes levels too.  Part of me wonders if I need to go back onto my meds.  I do fine off them for a while, and then need to go back onto them.  It's like I get good on them, get off, and slowly creep up and need to go back.

Sounds like my weight.

I finished that book by Jes Baker -  Things No One will tell Fat Girls.  There was a lot of interesting items in it, but at the end I started folding the pages so I could remember them -

page 157
When someone makes a comment about your appearance that you don't appreciate, you simply say, "Excuse me, but I'm a grown-ass adult and I am in charge of my own underpants.  If I wanted you all up IN my underpants, you would have been the first to know. Since I haven't invited you, I would appreciate it if you would leave me, my body, and my very-much-only mine underpinnings alone.  
That's the underpants Rule.


page 192
Body hate isn't something we're born with.  It's totally and completely learned.  The good news?  Thanks to neuroplasticity, we can unlearn the hate and retrain our brains to see ourselves with love.


Unfortunately those are the only two pages I tagged.  Might be tho the two that I need to deal with.  First one makes me think of my mother, of growing up, of all those people with their comments and my inability to say anything.  How amazing it would have been to speak up.  To stand up for myself, to believe in myself, to care that much to tell them to F*k it and walk away loving myself.

And the second page statement..... you'd think I am going to write about how wonderful it is to be able to change into loving my body/self etc.  That there is a complete ability to unlearn and change how I see myself.

I went to Target today as they had bras on sell that I like to wear, in in my size.  I tried them on in the dressing room.  Yeah, they fit ok, and I did buy them.  I couldn't cry, I couldn't breathe.  I went home and talked with AJ and finally started crying.  I just can NOT accept how I look.  I think that has to also do with being thinner too.  I can't accept how I look at this size, and I struggle to accept how I look at 180 lbs too.  All the rolls, the flabby skin, the bumps, the softness.

I cried about how I ALMOST wish I never would eat again, or want food again, or that (I know this sounds horrible, but it's the awful truth) that I had cancer so it would make me thin, or that I would just have it cut off/sucked out.  AJ said stop that.  And I do know that those are not the answer, or what I would want to happen as they are not the answer journey.  I just don't understand why I can not accept what I look like.

Funny thing is - I can accept the weight, I can accept controlling foods, I can accept larger or smaller (depending on the weight) clothes to some degree.  I can look in the mirror and say all those affirmations, but in the end, I just can't accept my look.  As soon as I see myself I can't accept loving my body as it looks, or loving myself as I am inside.  What is reflected in the mirror numbs me, and I need to steel myself.  As in I need to steel (is that the right spelling of the word I want?) myself to face what is reflected/what I see so that I don't go off the deep end and ??????? 

I don't understand it.  I can not seem to connect where those thoughts or feelings/emotions come from.  What childhood trauma would have me think this that I haven't already explored to death?  Is it even a childhood trauma?  Where the f*k does it come from then?  Nobody cares anymore what size I am.  AJ loves me period.  My mother doesn't matter what she thinks, and doesn't say anything either way anymore.  My sister?  She's large too.  My friends - they care about me, and I don't see that my size is what makes them like/dislike me.  Other people - eh, they are all weird sizes too.  So why the f*k does what I look like matter to me?  What is it that reflects in the mirror?  Is it a failure I see?  Is it something else I see?  If so, what then? My past?  Haven't I done that enough yet?  My future?  I keep thinking I've got what, 15-20 yrs, maybe.... I'd love to be slim for that long at least.  I don't want to be finally slim and at peace with eating/foods and then die a year or two later.  I want to live slim for a long time.  Well that ain't going to happen if I continue like this.

Then I wonder if dieting would bring me any peace. It hasn't of yet.  Even going to RH which started this whole blog thing, I was never at peace with it, or the foods as you know.  IP was easier but still not at peace with it or my looks - had to be slimmer, had to ignore the hunger feelings.

I wonder if I never saw my reflection again would it make a difference.              ???

Easy Peasy

NOT!

With all my readings lately, I've been attempting to put them into my life.

Basically - 

Don't lie.... remind myself of any lies that come up.

Seek Truth.....very elusive yet right there.

Listen to my body about foods.... that is a challenge, but interestingly I do get it sometimes.

Don't talk about foods.....goofed that one today.

Love myself and my body....yes......

Most of the books say they had a hard time, but they don't talk about how hard a time it was. As in, how many times one (me) has to remind myself - that's a lie, is that really what I want to eat?, you are beautiful just as you are etc.

The lie thing is surprisingly at the moment the most challenging as it's so ingrained.  

Might want to skip this next paragraph if you don't like disgusting.....

And I felt very tired today.  I feel off.  I feel like I don't know what I feel.  I can't figure out if I feel ill and tired, or tired and challenged, or just tired.  One thing I don't do is throw up - no matter how bad I feel, or how sick I am.  I was very surprised I 'tossed' on the table - don't know where that's coming from as in why I actually ended up doing that.  It stunned me.  Glad it wasn't too much in my stomach.  Ok enough on that. 

Continue from here is safer!

The weather apparently has been the worse here then it has been in years per the other neigbhour.  Saw John today, he just said to leave the snow - I'm guessing that's what he said/meant - basically said no no no, leave....it's ok.  Speaks mostly Portuguese, which I don't.  I have been out three times so far to shovel the back.  Need to shovel those paths for Jax.  Otherwise he can't get out there.  Hasn't helped in my tireness, but I continue on with it.

And then! our new furnace that we got Dec 20th, so less then a month old, conked.  Luckily it's a rental so they came out.  Seems there a malfunction in it and they have ordered a new part to come either tomorrow or Monday.  If the heat stops again, I am suppose to do a bunch of things in the meantime.  And Rick gave us his personal cell #.  He lives close by.  It's only -30 today.....

I get to see Anne-Marie on Monday for a healing treatment.  I couldn't do it... I couldn't not email....I couldn't not speak with Jacqui.  I just felt I needed some of her insights, so I emailed her.  Get to speak with her Jan 14th over the phone.  I had really thought I could do this on my own, that I know the answers are inside me.  I just can't seem to get them out - or connect with them.  I know it has to do with what's happening with me about the lies, truths, foods, thoughts etc.

Food for thought:

Did you know:  Green beans are the most Zen of all vegetables?  Why? - Because they have inner peas.

ha ha ha ha ha..... 😺

  

Ain't It The Truth....

I've been reading Don Miguel Ruiz's book - The Voice of Knowledge (with Janet Mills)  It's an older book from 2004.  Interesting though.  Wonder if his newer books change his thoughts on what he wrote in this one.  Will, maybe, look into them.

One of the biggest things I've read so far (I'm half way thru) is about TRUTH.  Basically the knowledge/voice inside us lies to us.  As do other people.  But going to the beginning of the book, some of the interesting things to me are:

Chapter 1
The story of Adam and Eve - We believed the fallen angel's story, and that was our big mistake.
We agreed and took his word as the truth.  We believed the lies; we put our faith in them.
The meaning of the word sin is 'to go against'.
How many lies do you hear in your head?
The storyteller is born inside our head, and survives inside our head because we feed it with our faith.

Chapter 2
The real conflict in our mind is between the truth and what is not the truth, between the truth and lies.
Miguel, all of the drama you suffer in your personal life is the result of believing in lies, mainly about yourself.
And the first lie you believe is you ARE NOT: You are not the way you should be, you are not good enough, you are not perfect.
Humans make up stories about everything we perceive, and just like Picasso we distort the truth; but for us, it is the truth.

Chapter 3
As little children, we are completely authentic.  We never pretend to be what we are not.
We create a story about what we should be, we put our faith in the story, and the story becomes the truth for us.
Humans are born in truth, but we grow up believing in lies.
It's just a story, but we believe it, and we use the story to judge ourselves, to punish ourselves, and to justify our mistakes.

Chapter 5
The Storyteller (basically we are the story teller of our own life)
In your story, everything is about you, and it has to be that way because you are the center of your perception.  The story is told from your point of view.
You create an image for the secondary characters in your story, and you assign them a role to play.  The truth is that you don't know anyone, and nobody knows you either.
THE ONLY WAY TO CHANGE YOUR STORY IS TO CHANGE WHAT YOU BELIEVE ABOUT YOURSELF.
Whatever people say about you is just a projection of their image of you.  It has nothing to do with you.

Chapter 6
The voice of knowledge can also be called the lair who lives in your head.
You know truth; you feel it.
That voice is usually lying because it's the voice of what you have learned, and you have learned so many lies, mainly about yourself.
The solution for taming the liar is to stop believing what it tells you.
Don't believe yourself.
And don't believe anybody else.

Chapter 7
Every emotion that you feel is real.   It is truth.  It comes directly from the integrity of your spirit.  You cannot fake what you feel.  
The voice of knowledge can make you feel ashamed of your feelings, but there is nothing wrong with whatever you feel.
Every time you lie to yourself or judge yourself, or reject yourself, you have an emotional reaction, and it isn't pleasant.  If you don't like the emotional reaction, it's not about repressing what you feel; it's about cleaning up the lies that cause it.
Emotional pain is a symptom of being abused; the pain is letting you know that you have to do something to stop the abuse.  The emotions are the most important part of your story because they are telling you how you are doing in your life.  By following your emotions, you can change your circumstances.

That's where I left off.

So far, I have come to realize I lie to myself, and have believed a lot of lies.... including from others.

Between this book, and the body image books, and the statement - Does this make me happy?  I feel a tiny, tiny, very tiny shift.  Mostly in how I perceive myself.

I tell myself sometimes, when I think something, 'that's a lie'.  Gets quiet after that.  Then I look in the mirror and remain myself there are lies that have been told to me.  Currently I'm struggling more on do I try to lose weight or not?  Do I just love myself, my body as I am and let it be?  Or do I try to be where I want to be in my weight?  Is that a lie then?  There is a part that is content at this weight, only a part, and then I think ok, stay here.  And inside I start to cry - but I want to wear those green pants, I want to fit into those tan pants, I want to wear those other clothes I have.  Then I struggle in - is it a lie I have told myself for so long, that I don't know it's a lie or truth anymore?

So I go grocery shopping  -  I stand there with chicken pot stickers in my hand, and think I don't need these, start to walk away, and inside cry but they make me happy.  So I take them.  Ice cream?  Does it make me happy?  Not really.  Leave it.  Chicken?  Does it make me happy?  I mean I have chicken pot stickers, and I'm going to get a BBQ chicken for lunch.... No, it doesn't, leave it.  Weird.  I can't figure out if there's a truth or lie in that chicken issue.

Do I follow a food program (because I'm suppose to....lies told) or just trust my body and be happy?  But then how do I wear those pants?

I feel a lot of what I've read lately is aligning me.  I feel I'm stepping back and starting to look at things in a different light - or at least try to.  And I'm back to doing more art.

When Truth is replace by silence, the silence is a lie. - by Yevgency Yevtushenko (poet)