In the Jungle

A while ago Jacqui suggested I was this flower.  As she described it, I pictured it and thought I'd try to paint it.  This is the outcome.  Funny thing is, when I look at it, I can feel a connection to it.

This one was an attempt of steps in a jungle.  Thought it turned out pretty good.

I know, the paintings are getting less and less.  Unfortunately I haven't been painting much etc.  But I will continue to post what I have!

In The Past

That's it.  No more.  It's all in the past!  EVEN. THIS. MOMENT. IS. IN. THE. PAST!

Was watching some of shows called The Brain With David Eagleman was very interesting.  And made me realize looking into the past is not worth it because the truth is never true in the memory.

But first - PAST.
He talked how everything is in the past.  EVERYTHING.  Even reading this is in the past as it takes nano seconds for the brain to register what was read, focus back and think on it.  It's already in the past.

Next
He talked about how what we see isn't really all of it.  Let's see if I can sum this up.  Basically the eye takes in a bit, and in the brain the rest is created.  It's the brain that creates what we see by the bits that we take in.  So seeing a cow walk down a street makes us stop because in our brain that doesn't register as where we should be seeing a cow.  Also why if we look a a sky line with tall buildings we take it all in.  Because our brain again fills in the spaces.  As our eyes go up and down and sideways etc, the sky line continues to look still.  But if you take a camera and move it around taking a movie as the same way and then watch it..... it looks nauseating.  That's because our brain makes the sky line still.

Continuing on this
There is a man who was blinded as a very young boy/baby.  At the age of (I can't remember but around 30-40 yrs) he got a chance to have surgery and got his sight back.  Wonderful right?  He was a companion downhill skier too.  When the doc's took the bandages off.  He couldn't focus on what he was seeing.  His brain wasn't connecting it.  He saw his young boys.... and he couldn't tell who they were.  Years later, he still couldn't tell, still had seeing and registering problems.  The sight / vision was fine, but the brain just couldn't balance it.  Skiing... he couldn't get the vision of the trees, etc.  The brain just didn't register it and feed it back to understanding.  He has over the years been able to get some balance, but overall still a problem.

Then there was
We create what we see.  Simply put we see what we create in our brains.  So that cow on the street - throws us as it's not something we tend to create to see.

And memory
That one did me in.  Basically the brain again fills things in.  So taking my suffer post and wondering about the Tom cat....  me sitting there thinking on it.... did I really remember or did I create with what I know about my father, about how I grew up, and did my brain make a story that would make sense to me.  So that tells me.... truth is not necessarily true.

So what is the point then of trying to heal things from the past if all the past is truth created by my brain?  What is the point of believing what I see?

In the end, I went to bed having made the decisions:
I'm no longer looking into my past to heal.  
I'm no longer believing things I see.
I'm just going to see what I want.
I'm not going to trust memories.

And on another note - I'm not going to bother with doctors anymore either.  I'll just try to figure out what to do if something hurts.   Speaking on that - yeah, my chest does continue to hurt.  The Previcid that I have taken did help with the stomach pains, but the chest turned out to become angry.

Like before it was a busy group of buzzing wasps around a hive doing all their waspy things they do in life.  That was the chest pains.  Then someone comes along and bats the hive - and those wasps doing waspy things are now furious, angry, out to sting wasps.  The cough I have now too isn't helping the chest.  

Ok, yeah, I'll probably still go to doctors.  Do doctory things required.  Like the Pulmonary Test I have scheduled for Monday, and the Abdo (gallbladder) ultra scan in two weeks.

I called my sister, told her I wasn't coming tomorrow to her card making class.  I am sad about that.  I really did want to go.  But with being so tired, needing to do a MTX shot today, and coughing, and rain scheduled - I just can't find it in me to do that 3 hour drive there, and 3 hour drive home.  I'm concerned driving will be challenging and I don't feel I should gamble it.

I'm not pissy about that show (3 of them) that I watched on The Brain.  I actually found it very interesting and wonder if there's more shows on it coming.  My decisions before bed - well, yes and no.  I probably will look at the past again, but the show has changed how I look at it, at memories, at truth.  

 

Life Two

Following thoughts on the last post.

I wonder if I'm looking for a diagnosis that changes me.  There are people who get a life changing diagnosis and they suddenly realize how much life matters and they live it to the fullest.  Whether it is the people who end up changing and living a long time, or those that end up changing and still in the end die.  They find that spark that makes life worth living for them.  Not that I'm wishing this on anyone - I'm looking at myself.  I'm looking at that longing that sparks me to the point I realize and want to live life to the fullest - and I do.

I know in a way that sounds awful to say.  And someone who has been challenged by health issues would probably say well I'll trade you!  My heart saddeneds at this thought as that's not how I mean it.  It's just me seeing in myself and having this insight about my own medical health, always going to doctors, always looking to see if I have something serious.  Not that I'm a hypochondriac, but because I watch TV, I read stories on how some people have changed their life so much - and really, truly live life and find joy, peace, love and happiness in it/ in themselves.

Sorta, I wonder, what I hoped going to AA/OA would do for me.  Granted at first it did bring about a change in me and my life.  I'm so grateful for that.  I just lost it after a while.  It wasn't lasting for me via those groups.  So do I look to medical/health to spark me to such a point that I change, live life.

I'm kinda now at the point that I don't want to bother anymore going to doctors and trying to deal with my health.  I might have health issues, but they don't worry me.  They just confirm that one day I will die.  And in the meantime.....?

Besides, I'm running into doctors that don't care much either.  NP that doesn't lilsten.  An internal medicine Doc that labels me via paper as a old woman with heartburn.   In the end really it's up to me to take care of myself.  It's up to me on how/what/when I eat, exercise, meditate.  That's probably the whole point of those people finding the spark to live life.  They believe in themselves.  ha ha ha.  They have something that sparks.... I'm not all that sure I have something in me that will spark.

***********

AJ and I talked about moving again.  We both just don't connect in this town.  We are planning on around in 2-3 years to move.  We will slowly look at places.  Oakville would be nice - and closer to family.  AJ said he's going to buy a Hospital Lottery as the first prize is a home in Oakville, second is an SUV (can't remember the type) and third is.... yup... a million dollars.  All three are what we are interested in.  Any of those three would work for a prize for us.  

Big Picture

This was this morning's calendar post.  (not this exactly, but the wording)  I thought about this all day.

I thought about living life verses existing again.  I think I've written about this before.  Sorry if I'm repeating.  But IT'S REPEATING today.

I'm on my own today/night.... means I get some sleep, hopefully.  AJ is in Toronto for a board meeting, back tomorrow.  I had an appointment with Dr W - internal medicine, per Dr Phua.  Sat in the office room for over an hour until resident doc came in.  I liked him.  When I came in I saw a red-haired guy and thought - not good.  The resident was super nice, listened etc.  Went out to doctor and both came back.  Red haired guy..... said well it's not your heart per everything done/said.  Had no idea what was going on with my chest pain.  Said try some tums (anti-acid) for 2 weeks and see if it helps.  REALLY?  Worse part was he 'tsked'  as in that sound tsk.  I thought, seriously, couldn't you just pull out costrondritis as there's nothing to that either.

I drove home.  Ticked a bit, but thought about it.  Well, ok, fair enough.  I actually have Previcid from NP from the other day.  I will try them for 2 weeks.  I don't like to use them as they screw with the stomach acids and actually makes things worse in the stomach.  BUT with this chest pain, I'm willing to give it 2 weeks.  Can you believe it.  9 months of pain, and all I probably needed was an anti-acid.  UGH.  Why couldn't someone else suggest it earlier then.  Let's see what happens with this plan.  Which will probably make Keto really good for me....

But back to driving home.  I thought about that phrase again.  I thought about living life.  How all this involves enjoying, being happy, doing what one loves, living life.  In the waiting room I thought about what I would do - what would living my life involve.  Biggest things - $$$, weight loss / maintained healthy weight / content, healthy eating.  So, looking at my life that way, would I do anything different at this moment?

Maybe a bit more.  But most of if would be similar.  I'd just have nicer clothes, mani and pedi, help others (we have a $$ plan), just feel more content about things financially, enjoy making healthy meals - those are the things I'd see as mostly the same.  I would think some things would be different that I haven't thought of too.

I thought about all these doctor appointments.  Is this me wanting to live life?  To have some type of life.  To BE in life.  Am I constantly looking inside me physically to see or know I am alive, to live.  Instead of trying to kill myself slowly, am I really just trying to make my life live?  Find joy inside me. To fix my insides/being/body so that I am living.  In a way I don't sense I have lived.  I've just existed and fumbled thru.  How can I live?  Do I actually have that live life inside me?  Some people have it.  Some just don't.  Some just try and do.  My mother - if I look at her life, I wonder how happy she is about it when she looks back.  Apparently my sister doesn't see her much, I don't see her much, the grandsons are too busy for her.  She's alone a lot in a way.  She does have my aunt, and she got into groups, and has friends.  Is she living life?

Is there more to life?  I'm not seeing the big picture in my life.  I'm not seeing the good.  I'm not seeing the help.  (I'm not a flat out volunteer, as we all know, but I do help people).  I'm not seeing why my life matters.  I'm not seeing why or what I'm achieving.  

I'm not being morbid today.  I'm in a good mood.  I'm wondering about my MTX shot required tomorrow, but today is good.  I'm asking and wondering in genuine thoughts.

In the end, I'm just wondering am I living my days of my life?  Or am I still trying to find a way to live my life?  Or am I just existing and fumbling thru?

Found It

Well, I sorta found my head.  I was able to figure out that the condo in Sarnia was not the right move at this time.

As I looked at the yard and processed moving from it, I realized it probably wouldn't make me as happy as being here.  Then we looked at the condo again and realized it wasn't really big enough for us.  The view... that was the only thing that was still the best.  We looked at a few others in the area, and there was one other condo that would be much better - but it was only a one bedroom, not for us.  Good if it was just me, but not both of us.  So, contently we continue to stay here.

I got a response from Joan who basically said I was in the process of healing, to keep going at it, and that moving wasn't the best at this time.  Which aligned with what we decided.

Yesterday was a bad day.  Very bad.  Very, very I wish I was dead bad.  

I can't believe how stupid and ?afraid?, unwilling I am to just stop wheat/gluten, go onto ketos.  I have been in so much horrible chest pain.  So inflamed I think.  Partly it's so much to give up.  Not like just tomatoes.  It's tons of different foods that have it in.  It's emotional eating.  It's spaced out, nauseated MTX side effects.  It's fatigued eating.  It's we are out, let's grab lunch/breakfast/dinner/snack eating.  It's we are invited for lunch to someone's house eating.  The out and house eating doesn't bother me as much as the other eatings.  And there's no guarantee that if I do go low carb/keto etc that it will actually help.  When I was doing low carb/ IP/IPA I still had some chest pain and fatigue.  I still couldn't cut the grass in one shot.  And taking the MTX shots....that nausea and down just really doesn't help me.  I struggle to fight that.  I just can't see how to do the answers - if they really are the answers.  

I did find the other day a place in London and one in Mt Brydges that offer keto foods pre-made.  Since we were going to go to Sarnia on Monday, have Jax in daycare already, we are going to go to London instead.  Thought we would go check out the one place.  See if I can get a few things to try.  Aim is to have some frozen things that I have ready for those 'don't/unable to cook' days.  I want to go thru what I still have on the low carb/IPA bars left and see how much I have.  I think I'm still going to end up starting keto around Thanksgiving.  Keep ending up going towards that time.  Not that I'm going to continue blindly.  I did have some IPA muffins I had made for breakfast today.  I am trying to get onto it.  

AJ wondered if I struggling with succeeding.  That I didn't believe I could succeed.  Have success.  Interesting.  It's the flip side of I need to punish myself.  Going to do some tapping on that.  Might help.  Can't hurt.

Still coughing.  That doesn't make me feel all that well either.  Sleeping a bit more too.  Sore throat continues.

  

Where's My Head

Where's my head at?

Lately I've been spacey.  I was thinking the other night - what do I feel.  I thought - numb.  Not in a depressed way.  Just numb as I don't feel much of anything for some reason.  I thought too, as AJ was coming up to bed (I was already trying to sleep) I thought.... urgh I forgot to put his tablet in the bathroom so he could turn on the security system.  I also forgot to do a few more other things.  Which at this point, I don't remember now either.   

Mostly just mindlessly forgetting small things.  And I feel like my feet are off the ground.  I'm not grounded I guess... making my head spacey, logical.

I was talking with AJ about moving.  Not really in any form, just in general.  Happened with my chest pain and me saying how cutting the grass is an issue.  That I wasn't liking it - I hate having trouble doing gardening as I enjoy it, but I just feel so worn about doing all the work.  I hate that.  I don't understand that.  I want to do something that I enjoy, and the pain and worn ness is making what I enjoy a chore.

The next day I was wondering what to look up on the computer, so I decided realtor.ca.  I ended up in Sarnia on a post of a 3 bedroom condo, 2 balconies, and a beautiful view of the river!!!  4th floor.  Told AJ about it.  I said THAT condo would get me to move out of this house and into a condo.  Then I showed him the condo post.

We spent the afternoon looking at condos around Ontario.  NOTHING appealed to me / us as that one condo in Sarnia.  We left it at that.  

Realizing, we've only been here one year, selling wouldn't help us financially as we'd lose too much.  We'd need to sell for mega $$ as we'd need get the condo with no mortgage.  Between the fees etc it would be better with no mortgage.  Besides we doubt they would lower the price of the condo so much that it would make it worthwhile for us to move.  Now.. with that million in the bank..... we could make a decision much easier..... get a gardener or move.

And the condo in Sarnia.... it allows pets, room for a scooter in the condo, has sunlight, underground parking, we can get a copy of the rules and regulations, a semi-quiet street.... per the realtor.  Who has us booked for Monday to see the place.  Yeah.  AJ knew and said yes.  He knew I couldn't not see the place.  I need to see it.

Where the f*k is my head at????????????????? 

Suffer

I have two thoughts.... but I promised to write about what insights I had.  So that one wins today.

It's still a bit of just points.  I really don't know what more to do about them.

As I thought, I came up with:

- ! despise people (as I wrote earlier)
- because they did/do a half - assed job of caring for me.  (as a child)
- they leave me unable to cope with things.  (never really learned how to deal with things, or how to trust in myself)
- they leave me without the ability or skills or tools to handle things on my own
- and then they get mad/angry at me for doing things wrong.


I despise people: 
- they lie to me
- they tell me 'stories'
- they take away my power
- they destroy my truths
- they feed me lies
- they hurt me/ hunt me down
- they hold me down and back
- they create me ugly
- I despise their control over me
- they make me do things/ their way
- they destroy the light in me / try to destroy the light in me

Later as I thought on all this, the more I viled myself, wanting to hurt myself for despising people.  

Then I thought - things aren't working as they are suppose to - everything is wrong, even I am wrong in what I do/am.

Kinda ended up here and left it for a day.

Next day I got back to doing some tapping.  Found one on toxins, and then 2 more that I did.  I thought ok, enough, but then I scrolled thru and thought only if I find one I'm really interested in doing.......

Suffer.

Hum.  Keep scrolling.  No, wait, go back.  Hum.

Now, doing these tappings I'd get some feeling with them and thought yeah, that one is hitting a spot.  I wasn't sure on the Suffer one, but I decided to do it.

As I started I was fine, as I continued, I was bawling.  Never have I cried over / doing a tapping.  Finished and was calmer.

Later I went and sat outside and wondered why / what happened.  I know when I was saying people, I was also adding in animals.

I thought on that too.  I pictured my mother telling me that as I little child we had a cat for a while.  It was a Tom Cat.  She would comment that we had it and then trail off about it.  When I had asked what happened to that Tom cat, she would mumble about it wasn't there as it was an outside cat....  I don't remember this cat at all.

Then I felt / wondered / saw my mother talking and mumbling off the end.  What really happened to Tom cat?  Why don't I remember this cat?  And then.....then I realized my father was there.  What did he do?  I can see that my father would have kicked / hit / grabbed and thrown a cat because it did something in the house or just because my father was pissed off over something and taking it out on the cat that happened to be there at that moment.  

Did I see this?  Is this something that has been deep inside me and is involved with despising people.  Unable to defend myself because what happened to the cat could happen to me? 

That was the end of it.  Nothing since then.