Hid

After I wrote that statement and started to want to cry and stop to breathe..... The feeling hid.  My heart continued to race a bit, tears came out - but not crying, and I wanted to immediately eat.  I told myself I wasn't going to eat over this.  I was going to see it, look at it, feel it, but not eat...... and I calmed down unable to get into it again - for the moment.

I don't know where to go with this.  I just see a small sad, crying, hurting balled up little girl.  I feel pain, sadness, aloneness, confusion and loss.

Do I want to be believed that I hurt?  I'm in pain?  Is that why I want so desperately to have authorities/doctors to believe me and that there BE something wrong, so that I'm finally right in my pain?  Believed about my pain? Proof that I have something to hurt about.

The more I write about this, the more I'm getting away from love and attention - and thinking it's really not about love and attention - it's about truth and being believed about hurt/pain.

I need a moment, time with this.  I've written all 4 of the last blogs in one sitting - broke them up so that you wouldn't have to read for a long time.  Sorry this one is short.  I think I need to process what I've written, let it come up, relax and sleep tonight. 

Funny thing is - it's dinnertime now.  ha ha ha.