Embarrassing Strings

It's embarrassing to admit all that I've been writing.  And now most would wonder if I am really in pain, fatigued, are the reports true?  Yes, I am in pain, fatigued and the blood reports are true.  Unfortunately you'll just have to believe me on this.  Remember too I have an issue with truth.  Truth is extremely important to me - even if it doesn't make me look good..... as I limp along. 

Truth demands me to be honest.  My family history demands honesty from me.

It doesn't mean I'm perfect in truth or honesty, but with that being said (in truth and honesty) I aim for it in all that I do, say and write.  I still get frightened with authorities and try my best to speak truth, and save myself (for some reason)

I couldn't sleep the other night because I wrote my RA doc about me wanting a second opinion and asking the NP for it.  Both had me in anxiety.  When the NP was nice and agreed to send me, I was able to calm down..... and wondered if I was manipulating the situation.  Tho AJ insisted I wasn't.  When I wrote the email to RA Doc I was nervous, but when she replied - within 3 hours - with two lines...  ""She can set you up without my input.  It would help to include the blood results.""  I was hyper and super scared.  Did I upset my RA doc?  Will she talk with me again?  Is she pissed with me?  Was I stupid to ask for a second opinion?   Was I / Am I creating something that isn't true?   I couldn't sleep worrying about her thoughts/opinion now that I'm doing this.  Was her response pissy and her being angry at/with me?

Ended up taking some homeopathic relaxing pills, some Advil, and Magnesium.  My hip and legs were in pain (yes, really) from all the walking I had done that day (day of shopping).

And I continue to wonder about the illness, what is it I am seeking?  Why do I want to be ill enough to be seriously ill?  What's driving this?  Is it just a personality disorder created from childhood?  (Where most disorders come from).  And is it authorities that I am seeking to be believed.... still.   Was there more in that memory healing with Joan about finding out that I had told my mother the truth and her refusing to admit in believing me?  Authority (mother), truth, belief... where does illness and weight come in?  Illness from maybe being told I was sick to say something like that?  Oh, that statement just came to me, and made me naused....  I need to stop and breathe.