Friday's Session

Ok all, this is it.  I found some time to get this written.  Now I hope I remember it!!!! ha ha ha

Friday last week, I had 2 appointments.  I reading/healing with Ann-Marie.  Was good.  Not overly much really to report on that as it was just general stuff of no sugar, low carb is what my body wants.  Stressed.  etc.  

Then in the evening I had a call healing with Joan about my John Goodman dream.  We started out with that, first relaxing me, and then going back to it.  She asked when this originated.  I was 4 yrs old.

Note - dreams don't mean often what appears.  Eg, had nothing to do with John or Rosanne or naked etc.  But there are things that do mean things - eg yelling, spanking.  What one needs to know is which is which.  Hence the hypnosis therapy and asking what things mean.

As I talked about that dream, I said that I couldn't hold the dream as I kept going back to another dream.  I told her about the washroom dream. So we continued with that one.  I explained that I thought of sexual abuse, but that I just couldn't feel that was what was happening and I didn't want to create abuse just because I thought it would fit in.  Joan explained that it didn't matter as we were exploring what was happening and in this case it was more imagine things that would lead to other things.  The idea of sexual abuse if it happened in the school washroom or not didn't matter as the true would eventually come out.

I was able to continue after that as I truly didn't feel I was sexually abused in the washroom and I was more afraid of creating it then knowing the truth.  This understanding helped me to go on without worrying about it.

I then explained I was in a stall getting yelled at.  She asked what personality I created to help me at that time.  Only thing I could see/ feel was I vortex.  As I talked with the vortex I suddenly stopped.  Joan said I didn't have to continue if I couldn't.  If I was too afraid we could do this another time.  I said oh no, I WANT to know.  I want to see.  I don't want to wonder.  She told me to breathe.

I saw me as a small child (about 4 yrs) I had my arms up, I was curled up in a ball and I was getting whaled (?) on by something red like a slipper or sock.  It wasn't either, but I know I was getting hit and it was red.  And there was yelling.  ......Just breathe....

I saw.  I said Oh F*ck Her.  She was hitting me and yelling - I don't believe you.  You're lying.  It's not true.  Why are you causing this?   And I knew.

Joan asked.

I said - I DID tell my mother about the sexual abuse when I was little.  And she couldn't handle it.

Back history - when I told my mother at 35 yrs old about the abuse, I asked if she knew.  She said she thought it happened and quickly said but what could she do at that time?  She was alone, no one would believe her, she had no money, 2 little children, no work.  Now as an adult I understand where she comes from and I'm not furious with her.  I am angry at her at the moment, but know it won't help if I confront her as, again I know my mother - and she twists things to make herself as a good person/happy things.  She can't deal with her own failures - especially allowing / not believing sexual abuse.

This experience created in me that sense of not believing myself.   I mean, if someone I trusted didn't believe me, then maybe I couldn't believe myself either....right?  It also explains why truth is so important to me.  And why it has to be correct truth.  If it was 5 chocolates I ate, then it's 5 not 4.  And why I have felt I have needed to explain things almost over the top to try to get myself believed.

Joan said she thought there was more.  I wondered if it was weight, but I didn't feel it really was about weight even though she said she thought this is where it started.  I thought it started else where, Joan said that it could be, but this also created it.

I then focused and said there was something about money.  After a bit I realized it wasn't about $$$ money.  Joan said self-worth.... I said yeah, but something else.... then I heard - the value of my words.  It was more the value of my beliefs, my words, myself.  

That was mostly it, then we cleared all this, healed it.  Now it's a matter of letting the healing come thru and continue.  I do feel changed inside especially thinking of my own belief of self.  It's like I'm more relaxed on myself and belief.  I am interested in seeing what develops from this.

Back to Ann-Marie - she said that a change will appear in about 6 weeks.  Sounds good.