Belong

Struggling with the issue of belonging.  Looking at that and wondering of it.  I know I don't feel I belong on this earth.  Talked with AJ about all this the other day.  How I have felt I haven't belonged throughout my life.  And how much I have looked to belonged.  I thought I found it when I went with Elizabeth to AA, and then in OA..... but that wasn't the case.  Church was ok but not to the degree Talia feels it.  And now I don't go to church as I struggle with that God issue.

I don't feel I belong anywhere.  Even in this town.  Understandable as we just moved here.  Never belonged in school, always the outsider, the one picked on, not part of the crowd or group.  Even at times when I did find a group and was included - over years of growing up, like AA etc - it never lasted, eventually I was pushed out, left, unwelcomed, skipped over, not included.  At this age I'm mostly at peace with it.

I did try to belong to AJ's family - that sucked.  I know AJ loves me, and I feel connected with him.  But as I have written before, and we spoke of the other day, AJ wouldn't choose me again.  I would choose AJ over all the men I dated - just as he is, handicapped and all.  I would want to be with him.  But AJ wouldn't be with me if we weren't married.  He didn't deny that.  I said you wouldn't choose me, if we weren't married you would have broken up with me.  He kinda looked, thinking, and said but I'm with you, and I love you.  BUT would you choose to be with me?  Ah...  Yeah, that's what I said - you wouldn't choose to be with me.

Hurts.  But not new.  And it's kinda broke me this time.  At 2am when he said good night baby to me with so much affection and love, I had to remind myself I do love him.  And I need to remember that.  And I need to remember at this moment, at this point, AJ does love me as best he can.  AJ has this ability to just accept the way things are and make them the best he can - hence, he's married to me, he's not going to leave me, so he loves me.... and there are good qualities of me that make me lovable.  It hits a bit on the belonging, wanted, accepted.  I know I belong with AJ, he accepts me....wants to be with me?  I guess he does - we are married, so in that way, he wants to be with me.

OH - one of the things Joan said was I was heart broken.  I realized later that probably has to do with God.  There's some belonging in there too.

That's basically where I am with the belonging.

Makes me feel a bit sad as I think on it.  But is there something in this that I'm not wanting to know?  Something I'm blocking?  Something that frightens me?  So I continue on.......