So what happened. I finally got in touch with Joan. I met her at a fair, and there was something about her that interested me, but I didn't have a chance to really talk with her. When we got home from the fair, I kept thinking back to her. I knew then that I was to get in touch with her and talk. Told AJ about it.
I had her card, looked up her website, and left her a message. After a week of back and forth emails, we finally got a time together and she called me Wednesday night. I explained that I was in a funk and that I needed change but I didn't know how. I felt that I was self-destructive (not that I was going to physically hurt myself, just more with eating etc).
We talked. She said I needed to love myself more. I explained - fine, but how. I told her numerous times I wasn't wanting to be stubborn, or fighting her, it was just because of years and years and years of therapy a lot of things to do wasn't new, and hadn't helped. BUT I was still hoping for change......one day. She works on the spiritual side of things.
Joan said that I was still blocking something, that I didn't want to deal with/ see. I explained there was nothing at this point that I could see would frighten me that I wouldn't be willing to deal with. I totally understand that what I said might not be true inside - but at this point I REALLY want to deal with things, and want to know. After an hour of talking the outcome were:
love myself more (not surprise)
My brother (mom lost before me) has been around me all my life and wants to help me - let him.
He / and I have trouble with wanting to belong. Have never felt I belong here on earth
Which explains why I don't want to be here
That there's still something I am meant to do here
That I will help others once I find my way out of this
I need to balance and ground myself every morning
I need to continue to do things that I like, make me happy - painting, walking the dog, gardening etc.
Tell myself - I'm sorry, Please forgive me. I love you. (THAT shakes me inside, so I can get there is a trigger in that)
Journal is good. (Blog works)
Pay attention to my dreams (more on that in a sec)
Few other things, but I can't recall at the moment
I found and felt that the session was a big help. I did feel better afterwards and more directional. I asked her to have another session. She is leaving for a trip April 14th, so I asked for another one asap. Talking with her on Tuesday. And if I can, I will try for another before she leaves. I want to deal with this and get thru these blocks. To remember and face them, to heal them.
Still doing those binaural beats, so that night I looked up remembering memories beats and listened to that. I also called spiritual help to remember, to have clarity, to remember gently, kindly, easily (that was another thing she mentioned) and I just realized to ask for completely! Will add that tonight.
I had a dream. 2 things came out. Have no idea what either mean. The one I'm not sure if it's anything or just what happened that day - I dreamt of teeth/inside roof of mouth. I saw little teeth coming out of the gums. They were sharp and pointy. It might have been because we had gone to the dentist. Or it might be because I'm growing teeth / breaking thru like baby teeth thru the gums.
Other dream I think had something in it - I was in / walking around in a public bathroom. Going into stalls. I felt like it was my public school - Sir J A - that I was in. And I was so very frightened. I don't know why. Nothing was happening. I do remember I spoke with someone, a man I think, in the washroom. I continued all thru walking, being in etc, the washroom stalls I was very scared. And I don't know why. Nothing showed that scared me. It was more emotional I think that was bring up being frightened. I woke knowing I had been frightened.
So.... something frightened me. But even though I really still want to know what it was. I talked with AJ and I said I truly don't remember anything that had happened. I know as a child the other girls semi-bullied me at times, but nothing like now a days, and I usually managed to avoid a lot of it. I would go to hid in the washroom when I was bored in class - but not the washroom I dreamt of. Only thing I do remember of that washroom was reading a book in which the little girl was Jewish (true story) and in the camps she would only get one tissue for peeing, and two for poop. I remember thinking of that as I looked at the toilet roll and thinking how glad I was I could have as much as I needed.
I know weird remembrance thing. But that's what coming up when I think of the dream and reality. BUT that's not frightening. As I said to AJ even if there was some abuse or even sexual abuse that happened in there - I don't understand WHY I would be afraid to remember. I've been thru those memories already - so new ones, well, ok, they would upset me, but not that I wouldn't want to recall them. So why so frightened? Female sexual abuse? Scary, but still. Me doing the abuse? Okkk - still would want to know, besides I didn't have that kind of guts especially as a child to do that.
Well, whatever that dream was about, I will continue to explore as best I can. Then see what develops. Wish me luck and courage to go thru the fear, please.
PS I have an appointment next week for something.......(not Joan) 😲😮😮😏
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