Say What?

Occasionally I get writer's babble.  I continue to write and realize I need to break them up a bit.  Especially when they are so heavy in emotions and thoughts.  It's a lot to read and probably sounds whiny.  Ends up sometimes that they seem out of order in the blog.  Like this one is.  I wrote this a few days ago - between the AJ blogs and will before the Krystal's Colours.  Please keep that in mind when you read it.

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Sigh.  It's sad for me to know I want answers and yet I can't get them.  Guessing others feel like that too.  How do you find answers that are inside you.......without having to wait until it feels like showing up.

I've been meditating, asking for guidance etc... and I get more questions.  Like what does a school washroom have to do with me?  Let alone frighten me?  

So last night I had found a binural beat on finding answers - and listened to it.  I actually quiet liked it.  I focused on weight/food/why, and as I went to go get answers I decided on going to a restaurant and got a danish.  With the danish I got the thought 'it's in the blood'.  Huh?  It's blood.  Huh?  Blood.  Huh?  Ok.  What the *** does that mean or relate to?  I tried to find other answers and of course - nothing, nope, no.

Recapping - I have public school washroom, frightened, someone talking, being in a stall, and now - it's in the blood / blood.  I thought on it.  The memories that I can come up with are:

1.  In about grade 7 or 8 we were outside for gym doing hurdles.  I was on my 'cycle'.  (Know where this is going??  sorry any men reading - maybe you'd want to skip to point #2!).  
As I ran I could feel my pad coming out.  And yup, I grabbed it as I did the last hurdle.  Teacher did let me go to the washroom.  As I walked I was SO VERY EMBARRASSED and crying that I threw the pad in the first garbage I saw, which was by the door.  I went into the washroom and cried.  Later I just went to the class room and waited.  I wasn't going back to gym - a course I didn't like in the first place.  Later I got embarrassment number 2 - teacher said I threw it in the garbage.  I said no, trying to get away from what happened.  She said yes, and said it just wasn't the right garbage to use.  End with her.  Surprisingly I wasn't teased as much as I thought I would be - a few said a bit about it, especially the bully girls, but overall, with just looking at them and saying nothing, it was left alone.

(Over here Men!)

2.  I vaguely remember standing in front of the mirror and thinking/talking to myself and saying ....if I get pregnant then I will........  I don't remember anything else.  I don't even know if that thought is totally right.  It seems out of place, yet still I 'sense' something about being in front of a school mirror and baby/pregnant. 

Now, #2 I can guess that line.  I have known for years there was a 3rd one that had sexually abused me.  If that is the case here - then I really don't understand why I would be blocking it / unwilling to let myself remember it.  It doesn't frightened me - at this age - but that memory I can see it would.  But I'm dealing with the now so I can't see I'd block it.  It's a weird thought in front of the mirror.  That abuse would probably cause blood, especially if it was intercourse abuse.  The other sexual abuse was physical but not intercourse.  Not sure where to go with this, and I'm not interested in making up something.  And I don't see how it relates to my weight or eating or self-destructiveness or belonging.

So now I wait for the next installment.  Hopefully it will bring more connectiveness and completeness.