I've been thinking. Yeah, dangerous. I've been listing to this hypnosis guy I read about in Women's World magazine a while ago. Finally got around to downloading some of his stuff - Steven Luzern. There is one on Ultimate Weight Loss. Kinda fit for that one.
And I've been thinking about my life, about Joan's healing treatment.
And about being ill...... When I think of that, I wonder where that came from. Not sure why. But what I do 'see' in my mind is a memory of my mother calling me home, me running up the sidewalk, seeing her at the door - I was a 2 houses down, and stopping and suddenly limping. I know I wasn't hurt, but that I needed to limp. That ticked my mom off and she and my uncle (for a lack of a better word) told me they needed to 'fix' my feet so they wouldn't fall off. They seriously twisted both feet until I was screaming and crying in pain. They told me they had to continue or else they would fall off.. and I continued to cry and scream and beg to stop. Eventually they did. I imagine I was left and cried in pain for a while alone. I don't remember those memories.
My mother did it because I had pretended to limp. She was frustrated with her life - husband issues.... children... no money..... etc. She had just had my sister about a month or two ago.
I know in a way it was because of my sister that I had decided to limp. I wanted attention from them. My sister was demanding. I was abandoned, or at least felt like it. Remember too - it wasn't the greatest loving family or childhood. My cousin was perfect and could leave, got love attention from her mother. What there was in love was now being given to my sister.
Thinking on that makes me stop. I figure this was the reason why I did it. My mother has mentioned I had done this limping when I was 5 years old. This I know is not her telling a lie/story as I totally see and remember this. Especially that one scene. I can even remember the feeling of fear and scared when I saw she had seen me running, and knowing I was going to be in trouble / that I was caught, and I hoped limping again would get me out of it.
The point?
The point of me writing about this is, I keep wondering WHY and HOW I came up with the idea to fake a limp. Where on earth did a 5 year old child come up with this idea? How does a 5 yr old know this - 50 years ago. In this day and age I can see sorta a 5 yr old knowing this idea, but 50 years ago?
And it didn't get me much love and attention. Actually ended up causing me even MORE pain, hurt, alonement, and receiving anger from my mother.
So if that is the case........ why do I look to be ill. Not that I create any fake illness. Really clear on that. But that I hope the results show something 'worthwhile'. Is it that I want to be successful with my 5 yr old limp plan still?
Really. If I tell my mother anything about me being ill, or what my results are etc she dismisses them and me. Am I still hoping to finish and get that original attention and love she gave to my sister?
And how does my weight get involved with this?
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