It's embarrassing to admit all that I've been writing. And now most would wonder if I am really in pain, fatigued, are the reports true? Yes, I am in pain, fatigued and the blood reports are true. Unfortunately you'll just have to believe me on this. Remember too I have an issue with truth. Truth is extremely important to me - even if it doesn't make me look good..... as I limp along.
Truth demands me to be honest. My family history demands honesty from me.
It doesn't mean I'm perfect in truth or honesty, but with that being said (in truth and honesty) I aim for it in all that I do, say and write. I still get frightened with authorities and try my best to speak truth, and save myself (for some reason)
I couldn't sleep the other night because I wrote my RA doc about me wanting a second opinion and asking the NP for it. Both had me in anxiety. When the NP was nice and agreed to send me, I was able to calm down..... and wondered if I was manipulating the situation. Tho AJ insisted I wasn't. When I wrote the email to RA Doc I was nervous, but when she replied - within 3 hours - with two lines... ""She can set you up without my input. It would help to include the blood results."" I was hyper and super scared. Did I upset my RA doc? Will she talk with me again? Is she pissed with me? Was I stupid to ask for a second opinion? Was I / Am I creating something that isn't true? I couldn't sleep worrying about her thoughts/opinion now that I'm doing this. Was her response pissy and her being angry at/with me?
Ended up taking some homeopathic relaxing pills, some Advil, and Magnesium. My hip and legs were in pain (yes, really) from all the walking I had done that day (day of shopping).
And I continue to wonder about the illness, what is it I am seeking? Why do I want to be ill enough to be seriously ill? What's driving this? Is it just a personality disorder created from childhood? (Where most disorders come from). And is it authorities that I am seeking to be believed.... still. Was there more in that memory healing with Joan about finding out that I had told my mother the truth and her refusing to admit in believing me? Authority (mother), truth, belief... where does illness and weight come in? Illness from maybe being told I was sick to say something like that? Oh, that statement just came to me, and made me naused.... I need to stop and breathe.
Monday, April 30, 2018
Saturday, April 28, 2018
String Ideas
As I think on illness, I know 100% I'm not a hypochondriac. I also know 100% that I'm not creating, making up, or doing something to myself so that I appear ill. (who came up with the idea of injecting raw egg into their bladder????? and how do you do that???? ouch.) When I read about that, my heart went out to those that do those kinds of things.
I started with the wonderful internet and found things like: (Wiki summaries)
Hypochondriacs: Hypochondriasis or hypochondria is a condition in which a person is inordinately worried about having a serious illness.
Factitious Disorder: A factitious disorder is a condition in which a person, without a malingering motive, acts as if they have an illness by deliberately producing, feigning, or exaggerating symptoms, purely to attain (for themselves or for another) a patient's role. (Malingering motive means for money, work reasons etc)
Munchausen: also known as Factitious Disorder. Named after Baron Munchausen.
Histrionic Personality Disorder: Histrionic personality disorder (HPD) is defined by the American Psychiatric Association as a personality disorder characterized by a pattern of excessive attention-seeking emotions, usually beginning in early adulthood, including inappropriately seductive behavior and an excessive need for approval. Histrionic people are lively, dramatic, vivacious, enthusiastic, and flirtatious. HPD is diagnosed four times as frequently in women as men.[1
Then all this continues on with Personality Disorders: OCD, Borderline, Dependent Personality, Cluster B..... and onwards.
As I read about all these two things come up. 1 - here I am again looking for a diagnosis of what is wrong with me! (ha ha ha???) and 2 - none really fit. There are little bits that fit but not any that really stand out. Then again most people looking can find something in things that would relate to them, usually. It's how much does it apply.
None of this clicks with that memory or with what I'm looking to remember / realize / understand. Some of it might explain why, but not all that much. Funny considering it's a circle - looking for what's wrong and not accepting the possible reason.
I started with the wonderful internet and found things like: (Wiki summaries)
Hypochondriacs: Hypochondriasis or hypochondria is a condition in which a person is inordinately worried about having a serious illness.
Factitious Disorder: A factitious disorder is a condition in which a person, without a malingering motive, acts as if they have an illness by deliberately producing, feigning, or exaggerating symptoms, purely to attain (for themselves or for another) a patient's role. (Malingering motive means for money, work reasons etc)
Munchausen: also known as Factitious Disorder. Named after Baron Munchausen.
Histrionic Personality Disorder: Histrionic personality disorder (HPD) is defined by the American Psychiatric Association as a personality disorder characterized by a pattern of excessive attention-seeking emotions, usually beginning in early adulthood, including inappropriately seductive behavior and an excessive need for approval. Histrionic people are lively, dramatic, vivacious, enthusiastic, and flirtatious. HPD is diagnosed four times as frequently in women as men.[1
Then all this continues on with Personality Disorders: OCD, Borderline, Dependent Personality, Cluster B..... and onwards.
As I read about all these two things come up. 1 - here I am again looking for a diagnosis of what is wrong with me! (ha ha ha???) and 2 - none really fit. There are little bits that fit but not any that really stand out. Then again most people looking can find something in things that would relate to them, usually. It's how much does it apply.
None of this clicks with that memory or with what I'm looking to remember / realize / understand. Some of it might explain why, but not all that much. Funny considering it's a circle - looking for what's wrong and not accepting the possible reason.
Thursday, April 26, 2018
Following the Strings
I've been thinking. Yeah, dangerous. I've been listing to this hypnosis guy I read about in Women's World magazine a while ago. Finally got around to downloading some of his stuff - Steven Luzern. There is one on Ultimate Weight Loss. Kinda fit for that one.
And I've been thinking about my life, about Joan's healing treatment.
And about being ill...... When I think of that, I wonder where that came from. Not sure why. But what I do 'see' in my mind is a memory of my mother calling me home, me running up the sidewalk, seeing her at the door - I was a 2 houses down, and stopping and suddenly limping. I know I wasn't hurt, but that I needed to limp. That ticked my mom off and she and my uncle (for a lack of a better word) told me they needed to 'fix' my feet so they wouldn't fall off. They seriously twisted both feet until I was screaming and crying in pain. They told me they had to continue or else they would fall off.. and I continued to cry and scream and beg to stop. Eventually they did. I imagine I was left and cried in pain for a while alone. I don't remember those memories.
My mother did it because I had pretended to limp. She was frustrated with her life - husband issues.... children... no money..... etc. She had just had my sister about a month or two ago.
I know in a way it was because of my sister that I had decided to limp. I wanted attention from them. My sister was demanding. I was abandoned, or at least felt like it. Remember too - it wasn't the greatest loving family or childhood. My cousin was perfect and could leave, got love attention from her mother. What there was in love was now being given to my sister.
Thinking on that makes me stop. I figure this was the reason why I did it. My mother has mentioned I had done this limping when I was 5 years old. This I know is not her telling a lie/story as I totally see and remember this. Especially that one scene. I can even remember the feeling of fear and scared when I saw she had seen me running, and knowing I was going to be in trouble / that I was caught, and I hoped limping again would get me out of it.
The point?
The point of me writing about this is, I keep wondering WHY and HOW I came up with the idea to fake a limp. Where on earth did a 5 year old child come up with this idea? How does a 5 yr old know this - 50 years ago. In this day and age I can see sorta a 5 yr old knowing this idea, but 50 years ago?
And it didn't get me much love and attention. Actually ended up causing me even MORE pain, hurt, alonement, and receiving anger from my mother.
So if that is the case........ why do I look to be ill. Not that I create any fake illness. Really clear on that. But that I hope the results show something 'worthwhile'. Is it that I want to be successful with my 5 yr old limp plan still?
Really. If I tell my mother anything about me being ill, or what my results are etc she dismisses them and me. Am I still hoping to finish and get that original attention and love she gave to my sister?
And how does my weight get involved with this?
And I've been thinking about my life, about Joan's healing treatment.
And about being ill...... When I think of that, I wonder where that came from. Not sure why. But what I do 'see' in my mind is a memory of my mother calling me home, me running up the sidewalk, seeing her at the door - I was a 2 houses down, and stopping and suddenly limping. I know I wasn't hurt, but that I needed to limp. That ticked my mom off and she and my uncle (for a lack of a better word) told me they needed to 'fix' my feet so they wouldn't fall off. They seriously twisted both feet until I was screaming and crying in pain. They told me they had to continue or else they would fall off.. and I continued to cry and scream and beg to stop. Eventually they did. I imagine I was left and cried in pain for a while alone. I don't remember those memories.
My mother did it because I had pretended to limp. She was frustrated with her life - husband issues.... children... no money..... etc. She had just had my sister about a month or two ago.
I know in a way it was because of my sister that I had decided to limp. I wanted attention from them. My sister was demanding. I was abandoned, or at least felt like it. Remember too - it wasn't the greatest loving family or childhood. My cousin was perfect and could leave, got love attention from her mother. What there was in love was now being given to my sister.
Thinking on that makes me stop. I figure this was the reason why I did it. My mother has mentioned I had done this limping when I was 5 years old. This I know is not her telling a lie/story as I totally see and remember this. Especially that one scene. I can even remember the feeling of fear and scared when I saw she had seen me running, and knowing I was going to be in trouble / that I was caught, and I hoped limping again would get me out of it.
The point?
The point of me writing about this is, I keep wondering WHY and HOW I came up with the idea to fake a limp. Where on earth did a 5 year old child come up with this idea? How does a 5 yr old know this - 50 years ago. In this day and age I can see sorta a 5 yr old knowing this idea, but 50 years ago?
And it didn't get me much love and attention. Actually ended up causing me even MORE pain, hurt, alonement, and receiving anger from my mother.
So if that is the case........ why do I look to be ill. Not that I create any fake illness. Really clear on that. But that I hope the results show something 'worthwhile'. Is it that I want to be successful with my 5 yr old limp plan still?
Really. If I tell my mother anything about me being ill, or what my results are etc she dismisses them and me. Am I still hoping to finish and get that original attention and love she gave to my sister?
And how does my weight get involved with this?
Tuesday, April 24, 2018
Long Day
One of those days again. We left this morning for London and shopping and AJ's doc appointment. Jax got to go to daycare.
When we picked Jax up I asked if he played a lot with the other dogs. I asked because I have notice that at the dog park he runs to see dogs, but then not much else. Some running but then sniffing. Wendy said that yeah, Jax is happy to see the dogs, but is more interested in the people. Tho he is playing more with the dogs now then when he first started coming. Yesterday at the dog park we went into the big park as there was a few little to medium dogs and 2 big dogs. One big dog, the owner was wise, he moved away from the other dogs, and kept him closer, then leashed him to leave. The other big dog sniffed and nothing much else. The little dog was a bit more aggressive but ran with Jasper - thankfully that dog was run out early so not that hyper. The medium 2 dogs - one was fine and old and then left. The other was fine with Jax when the others were around. Then the woman walked off with the dog.
Later we were walking the park and that medium dog saw Jax and suddenly went charging at him. Jax took of running. I stood, saw, calmly (!!!) called Jax. He stopped and sat. The dog stopped then howled. I called Jax and he started to run to me. The dog chased him again. Jax stopped, the dog howled. The woman was walked towards her dog and I said he doesn't like little dogs? She said oh she always howls. THAT wasn't my question. What the hell was with her aggressive chasing??? Jax ran to me wanting to be picked up. I told him he was a good boy but knew not to pick him up otherwise the other dog might attack. I've been told leashes, and picking up dogs cause other dogs to wonder and want to see.
I told the other dog to leave - which I think the woman called her. I calmly said to Jax lets walk. I know too that picking up Jax would also fear Jax. Thankfully he was safe... a bit scared but safe! I think I will watch a bit more and only walk him in the big park when it's empty.
Today we got pet food, and we went to Michaels so I could get some more art supplies. Also tried a new bakery that AJ saw on the news the other day. They had.... basically a spinach pizza idea on a pita bread. It was very good. Best AJ had suggested a place to have lunch instead of asking me!
AJ's kidney doc said his results are doing great! He's surprised how well AJ is doing. AJ's also been listening every night to binaural beats for blood and kidneys. Seems to be working......
Sent my RA Doc an email that I was requesting our NP to send me to an oncologist.
Otherwise... that's about it. I've been posting on Krystal's Colours my paintings etc. Will do another post after this. I know they aren't that thrilling probably to others, but I enjoy doing them. Trying some new stuff .... at least I got the stuff for it, now I just need the time!
Grass seeding tonight after all this too as it's going to rain. Start with the front.
Ta
When we picked Jax up I asked if he played a lot with the other dogs. I asked because I have notice that at the dog park he runs to see dogs, but then not much else. Some running but then sniffing. Wendy said that yeah, Jax is happy to see the dogs, but is more interested in the people. Tho he is playing more with the dogs now then when he first started coming. Yesterday at the dog park we went into the big park as there was a few little to medium dogs and 2 big dogs. One big dog, the owner was wise, he moved away from the other dogs, and kept him closer, then leashed him to leave. The other big dog sniffed and nothing much else. The little dog was a bit more aggressive but ran with Jasper - thankfully that dog was run out early so not that hyper. The medium 2 dogs - one was fine and old and then left. The other was fine with Jax when the others were around. Then the woman walked off with the dog.
Later we were walking the park and that medium dog saw Jax and suddenly went charging at him. Jax took of running. I stood, saw, calmly (!!!) called Jax. He stopped and sat. The dog stopped then howled. I called Jax and he started to run to me. The dog chased him again. Jax stopped, the dog howled. The woman was walked towards her dog and I said he doesn't like little dogs? She said oh she always howls. THAT wasn't my question. What the hell was with her aggressive chasing??? Jax ran to me wanting to be picked up. I told him he was a good boy but knew not to pick him up otherwise the other dog might attack. I've been told leashes, and picking up dogs cause other dogs to wonder and want to see.
I told the other dog to leave - which I think the woman called her. I calmly said to Jax lets walk. I know too that picking up Jax would also fear Jax. Thankfully he was safe... a bit scared but safe! I think I will watch a bit more and only walk him in the big park when it's empty.
Today we got pet food, and we went to Michaels so I could get some more art supplies. Also tried a new bakery that AJ saw on the news the other day. They had.... basically a spinach pizza idea on a pita bread. It was very good. Best AJ had suggested a place to have lunch instead of asking me!
AJ's kidney doc said his results are doing great! He's surprised how well AJ is doing. AJ's also been listening every night to binaural beats for blood and kidneys. Seems to be working......
Sent my RA Doc an email that I was requesting our NP to send me to an oncologist.
Otherwise... that's about it. I've been posting on Krystal's Colours my paintings etc. Will do another post after this. I know they aren't that thrilling probably to others, but I enjoy doing them. Trying some new stuff .... at least I got the stuff for it, now I just need the time!
Grass seeding tonight after all this too as it's going to rain. Start with the front.
Ta
Sunday, April 22, 2018
Yellow and Round
It's out there!!! It's sunshine!! A great weekend finally!!
So glad that this weekend has been warmish and above all SUNNY. It's like I haven't seen a clear sunny day in weeks. Got to do yard work.
On Saturday I continued (started Friday) the edging of the gardens, front and back. Sunday (today) we went to Canadian Tire and I got a bunch of stuff. Then I put the black edging in on the front two gardens. Have one more to go out front. The edging I first did was with the shovel and getting it ready, then I put in that black 5 inch plastic to keep it clean.
I'm one for borders. It lines it better for me then just the dirt line. Helps me too with the grass cutting. I can clearly get the edges.
Unfortunately, I couldn't do as much as I hoped. The inflammation in my chest hurts the breathing after a while. And I just get fatigued faster. But as least I get out there and do something. Makes me happy.
We took Jax to the dog park this morning too. He had fun. There was another little dog there - surprisingly the little 'Bear' who lives just around the corner from us. The boy there told me at Christmas that they were getting a dog. Then one day I saw him and his tiny little Yorkie mix, named him Bear. (probably as in Teddy Bear!!) He's a cute little dog. The father was in the park with him. The boy was so excited about getting this dog. I do see him sometimes walking him. Father said he wanted a dog for 2 years.
AJ was talking with the guys. Michelle's husband was there. I had brought AJ over to him and introduced him, then left to let them all (there were 3 more men there) talk. AJ had to sit down on his walker. I took off with Jax and Bear.
When I looked back, I wondered. I got a feeling that I didn't contact with at that moment. When we were driving home I asked AJ how it went, he said ok, they don't know me, so it was a start. I realized the feeling I got was a sense that handicapped people are often treated differently. I know that logically. But I have never really connected that with AJ. That others would treat him differently because he is handicapped. Because it's not exactly 'a man'. Strong and standing. I got the feeling they didn't know how to deal with AJ, and yes, AJ is right on they don't know him so they didn't overly talk with him. They didn't ignore him either which was good. I just never realized AJ as handicapped and to treat him differently because of it.
It was a bit of a wow moment for me when I realized it about AJ. I wonder if he feels that often. I know he's mentioned at times he does feel he's different because of his disability. I still can't really wrap my head around how others see AJ's (or others for that matter) disability instead of him as a man. I wonder if I do that with other people with disabilities too. I'd like to think I don't. I DO recognize that people with disabilities have to deal with things differently - as in eg doors / steps etc. I know from AJ to ask first if they'd like assistance. But I wonder if people don't want to be friends with disabled people at times as they feel it would require too much from them. I think that's more what I sensed when I looked back at the men/AJ there. Did they want to be friends with AJ? Or was the disability in the way? And I felt/sensed that the disability was in their way of opening up to being friends with AJ. I sensed that going to dinner with Michelle and her husband wasn't going to really happen. (I had mentioned this to Michelle one day, and thought the four of us could go out and then Pete and AJ would get along etc...) It's not like I don't think he'd not talk to AJ at dinner, but I don't sense he'd want to be friends - as in let's get together, I'll pick you up (because you don't drive/can't get there easily) and we can go for drinks at the bar friends.
AJ does have a friend who literally does this - calls, plans to go to a bar/lunch etc, and comes to pick him up/bring him home. Tho he has been AJ's friend from high school so he knows him a long time. Unfortunately we now live too far to make that an easy plan.
Almost dinner time. After dinner I think I was get AJ to come outside again and we can sit some more on the deck and enjoy that yellowish round thing in the sky!!
So glad that this weekend has been warmish and above all SUNNY. It's like I haven't seen a clear sunny day in weeks. Got to do yard work.
On Saturday I continued (started Friday) the edging of the gardens, front and back. Sunday (today) we went to Canadian Tire and I got a bunch of stuff. Then I put the black edging in on the front two gardens. Have one more to go out front. The edging I first did was with the shovel and getting it ready, then I put in that black 5 inch plastic to keep it clean.
I'm one for borders. It lines it better for me then just the dirt line. Helps me too with the grass cutting. I can clearly get the edges.
Unfortunately, I couldn't do as much as I hoped. The inflammation in my chest hurts the breathing after a while. And I just get fatigued faster. But as least I get out there and do something. Makes me happy.
We took Jax to the dog park this morning too. He had fun. There was another little dog there - surprisingly the little 'Bear' who lives just around the corner from us. The boy there told me at Christmas that they were getting a dog. Then one day I saw him and his tiny little Yorkie mix, named him Bear. (probably as in Teddy Bear!!) He's a cute little dog. The father was in the park with him. The boy was so excited about getting this dog. I do see him sometimes walking him. Father said he wanted a dog for 2 years.
AJ was talking with the guys. Michelle's husband was there. I had brought AJ over to him and introduced him, then left to let them all (there were 3 more men there) talk. AJ had to sit down on his walker. I took off with Jax and Bear.
When I looked back, I wondered. I got a feeling that I didn't contact with at that moment. When we were driving home I asked AJ how it went, he said ok, they don't know me, so it was a start. I realized the feeling I got was a sense that handicapped people are often treated differently. I know that logically. But I have never really connected that with AJ. That others would treat him differently because he is handicapped. Because it's not exactly 'a man'. Strong and standing. I got the feeling they didn't know how to deal with AJ, and yes, AJ is right on they don't know him so they didn't overly talk with him. They didn't ignore him either which was good. I just never realized AJ as handicapped and to treat him differently because of it.
It was a bit of a wow moment for me when I realized it about AJ. I wonder if he feels that often. I know he's mentioned at times he does feel he's different because of his disability. I still can't really wrap my head around how others see AJ's (or others for that matter) disability instead of him as a man. I wonder if I do that with other people with disabilities too. I'd like to think I don't. I DO recognize that people with disabilities have to deal with things differently - as in eg doors / steps etc. I know from AJ to ask first if they'd like assistance. But I wonder if people don't want to be friends with disabled people at times as they feel it would require too much from them. I think that's more what I sensed when I looked back at the men/AJ there. Did they want to be friends with AJ? Or was the disability in the way? And I felt/sensed that the disability was in their way of opening up to being friends with AJ. I sensed that going to dinner with Michelle and her husband wasn't going to really happen. (I had mentioned this to Michelle one day, and thought the four of us could go out and then Pete and AJ would get along etc...) It's not like I don't think he'd not talk to AJ at dinner, but I don't sense he'd want to be friends - as in let's get together, I'll pick you up (because you don't drive/can't get there easily) and we can go for drinks at the bar friends.
AJ does have a friend who literally does this - calls, plans to go to a bar/lunch etc, and comes to pick him up/bring him home. Tho he has been AJ's friend from high school so he knows him a long time. Unfortunately we now live too far to make that an easy plan.
Almost dinner time. After dinner I think I was get AJ to come outside again and we can sit some more on the deck and enjoy that yellowish round thing in the sky!!
Friday, April 20, 2018
Female Things
Warning: this seriously is about female issues so if you don't want to know what goes on with menopause or female stuff, maybe skipping this post is best. It's a bit of TMI. (too much information) As this blog is about my ramblings of life, I do my best to write truly (ha ha ha - my truth issue coming up) what's happening. Sometimes it's not the most interesting, sometimes it's not the most exciting, sometimes it's waaaaayyyyyyyy too much information. And this time, it's that last one.
This is your last warning!!!
Ok, here it goes.
AJ and I were in Toronto for our appointments a few weeks ago. At the hotel we cuddled into sex. No surprise. Now I know my sex drive is low. Has been all my life. At times of being slim I basically had to push myself into having sex. It's not that I don't like it, it's just a lot of work for me. I wonder if some of my past history has something to do with some of it - even with all the therapy I've had. I DO enjoy hugging, kissing, cuddling, hand holding, physical contact. Sex with AJ is the best I've had, so I do enjoy that. Stress causes me to avoid too. I am so blessed with a hubby that is kind, patient and does not push sex on me. I am so grateful for that. And there is a big part of me that wants more with him.
Over the years I have known I've been in either pre menopause or menopause. I've had blood work done, which no doctor as told me I was in either or what to do. I have had issues that I figured were related to menopause too. A few years ago having sex with AJ would sorta hurt. I was 'wet', but it hurt a bit. I figured I was a little dry due to menopause issues. I read some on it and overall not much out of it. I had the hot flashes which I would again tell the doctor. Nothing.
Because I had a hysterectomy about 15 years ago, most doctors said I didn't need, or wouldn't give me a pap test. And I didn't push it because, well there wasn't much there. I knew about possible cervix cancer but that wasn't a major issue I figured. With dryness I didn't know what to do, and I didn't think there was much more to it.
Well THAT'S NOT TRUE!!!!!
Why, oh why doesn't anyone ever talk about it. Why isn't it more out there?
After the hotel incident, I mentioned it to RA doc (as I have written before) and she said I needed to have a pap test first and then find out about estrogen cream. I called NP and booked.
Because I also wanted to talk to NP about the cancer doctor and I was afraid, I made AJ come with me. During pap he studied his phone! ha ha ha. What a wonderful, supportive hubby. The NP looked up there, did the pap and as she studied 'me', she explained that there was dryness, but more importantly atrophy on the one side. WHAT? She explained how over the years and in menopause the vagina could develop atrophy. That would explain why sex was painful and hurt. (The hotel incident was horrible, so bad I was balling so much - as in crying. AJ felt awful. I felt awful and in pain that was worse then the pain I'm usually in). NP gave me a prescription for Vagifem cream, told me to use it and come back in a few weeks to see how I was.
Of course I looked up vaginal atrophy. There is a lot on it. I so wish I had known earlier. I feel awful that I didn't deal with sooner. Worse I don't know if I can have sex again - intercourse. It does make me sad as I don't want to give up that part of me with my hubby. How could I have not read about it?
If anything I would push those menopause speakers to talk about vaginal atrophy. Get the word out there so that women can do something about it...if they want. And I want to. I'm trying to do things now, but I don't know how well it will help. Guess time will tell, and of course at some point I will have to be brave enough to attempt sex again with AJ. One day I will let you know what happened then.
Yup, I warned you it was TMI. 😱
Wednesday, April 18, 2018
Friday's Session
Ok all, this is it. I found some time to get this written. Now I hope I remember it!!!! ha ha ha
Friday last week, I had 2 appointments. I reading/healing with Ann-Marie. Was good. Not overly much really to report on that as it was just general stuff of no sugar, low carb is what my body wants. Stressed. etc.
Then in the evening I had a call healing with Joan about my John Goodman dream. We started out with that, first relaxing me, and then going back to it. She asked when this originated. I was 4 yrs old.
Note - dreams don't mean often what appears. Eg, had nothing to do with John or Rosanne or naked etc. But there are things that do mean things - eg yelling, spanking. What one needs to know is which is which. Hence the hypnosis therapy and asking what things mean.
As I talked about that dream, I said that I couldn't hold the dream as I kept going back to another dream. I told her about the washroom dream. So we continued with that one. I explained that I thought of sexual abuse, but that I just couldn't feel that was what was happening and I didn't want to create abuse just because I thought it would fit in. Joan explained that it didn't matter as we were exploring what was happening and in this case it was more imagine things that would lead to other things. The idea of sexual abuse if it happened in the school washroom or not didn't matter as the true would eventually come out.
I was able to continue after that as I truly didn't feel I was sexually abused in the washroom and I was more afraid of creating it then knowing the truth. This understanding helped me to go on without worrying about it.
I then explained I was in a stall getting yelled at. She asked what personality I created to help me at that time. Only thing I could see/ feel was I vortex. As I talked with the vortex I suddenly stopped. Joan said I didn't have to continue if I couldn't. If I was too afraid we could do this another time. I said oh no, I WANT to know. I want to see. I don't want to wonder. She told me to breathe.
I saw me as a small child (about 4 yrs) I had my arms up, I was curled up in a ball and I was getting whaled (?) on by something red like a slipper or sock. It wasn't either, but I know I was getting hit and it was red. And there was yelling. ......Just breathe....
I saw. I said Oh F*ck Her. She was hitting me and yelling - I don't believe you. You're lying. It's not true. Why are you causing this? And I knew.
Joan asked.
I said - I DID tell my mother about the sexual abuse when I was little. And she couldn't handle it.
Back history - when I told my mother at 35 yrs old about the abuse, I asked if she knew. She said she thought it happened and quickly said but what could she do at that time? She was alone, no one would believe her, she had no money, 2 little children, no work. Now as an adult I understand where she comes from and I'm not furious with her. I am angry at her at the moment, but know it won't help if I confront her as, again I know my mother - and she twists things to make herself as a good person/happy things. She can't deal with her own failures - especially allowing / not believing sexual abuse.
This experience created in me that sense of not believing myself. I mean, if someone I trusted didn't believe me, then maybe I couldn't believe myself either....right? It also explains why truth is so important to me. And why it has to be correct truth. If it was 5 chocolates I ate, then it's 5 not 4. And why I have felt I have needed to explain things almost over the top to try to get myself believed.
Joan said she thought there was more. I wondered if it was weight, but I didn't feel it really was about weight even though she said she thought this is where it started. I thought it started else where, Joan said that it could be, but this also created it.
I then focused and said there was something about money. After a bit I realized it wasn't about $$$ money. Joan said self-worth.... I said yeah, but something else.... then I heard - the value of my words. It was more the value of my beliefs, my words, myself.
That was mostly it, then we cleared all this, healed it. Now it's a matter of letting the healing come thru and continue. I do feel changed inside especially thinking of my own belief of self. It's like I'm more relaxed on myself and belief. I am interested in seeing what develops from this.
Back to Ann-Marie - she said that a change will appear in about 6 weeks. Sounds good.
Friday last week, I had 2 appointments. I reading/healing with Ann-Marie. Was good. Not overly much really to report on that as it was just general stuff of no sugar, low carb is what my body wants. Stressed. etc.
Then in the evening I had a call healing with Joan about my John Goodman dream. We started out with that, first relaxing me, and then going back to it. She asked when this originated. I was 4 yrs old.
Note - dreams don't mean often what appears. Eg, had nothing to do with John or Rosanne or naked etc. But there are things that do mean things - eg yelling, spanking. What one needs to know is which is which. Hence the hypnosis therapy and asking what things mean.
As I talked about that dream, I said that I couldn't hold the dream as I kept going back to another dream. I told her about the washroom dream. So we continued with that one. I explained that I thought of sexual abuse, but that I just couldn't feel that was what was happening and I didn't want to create abuse just because I thought it would fit in. Joan explained that it didn't matter as we were exploring what was happening and in this case it was more imagine things that would lead to other things. The idea of sexual abuse if it happened in the school washroom or not didn't matter as the true would eventually come out.
I was able to continue after that as I truly didn't feel I was sexually abused in the washroom and I was more afraid of creating it then knowing the truth. This understanding helped me to go on without worrying about it.
I then explained I was in a stall getting yelled at. She asked what personality I created to help me at that time. Only thing I could see/ feel was I vortex. As I talked with the vortex I suddenly stopped. Joan said I didn't have to continue if I couldn't. If I was too afraid we could do this another time. I said oh no, I WANT to know. I want to see. I don't want to wonder. She told me to breathe.
I saw me as a small child (about 4 yrs) I had my arms up, I was curled up in a ball and I was getting whaled (?) on by something red like a slipper or sock. It wasn't either, but I know I was getting hit and it was red. And there was yelling. ......Just breathe....
I saw. I said Oh F*ck Her. She was hitting me and yelling - I don't believe you. You're lying. It's not true. Why are you causing this? And I knew.
Joan asked.
I said - I DID tell my mother about the sexual abuse when I was little. And she couldn't handle it.
Back history - when I told my mother at 35 yrs old about the abuse, I asked if she knew. She said she thought it happened and quickly said but what could she do at that time? She was alone, no one would believe her, she had no money, 2 little children, no work. Now as an adult I understand where she comes from and I'm not furious with her. I am angry at her at the moment, but know it won't help if I confront her as, again I know my mother - and she twists things to make herself as a good person/happy things. She can't deal with her own failures - especially allowing / not believing sexual abuse.
This experience created in me that sense of not believing myself. I mean, if someone I trusted didn't believe me, then maybe I couldn't believe myself either....right? It also explains why truth is so important to me. And why it has to be correct truth. If it was 5 chocolates I ate, then it's 5 not 4. And why I have felt I have needed to explain things almost over the top to try to get myself believed.
Joan said she thought there was more. I wondered if it was weight, but I didn't feel it really was about weight even though she said she thought this is where it started. I thought it started else where, Joan said that it could be, but this also created it.
I then focused and said there was something about money. After a bit I realized it wasn't about $$$ money. Joan said self-worth.... I said yeah, but something else.... then I heard - the value of my words. It was more the value of my beliefs, my words, myself.
That was mostly it, then we cleared all this, healed it. Now it's a matter of letting the healing come thru and continue. I do feel changed inside especially thinking of my own belief of self. It's like I'm more relaxed on myself and belief. I am interested in seeing what develops from this.
Back to Ann-Marie - she said that a change will appear in about 6 weeks. Sounds good.
Monday, April 16, 2018
Trust Doc Highlights
We watched Trust Me I'm A Doctor show - last week's episode. As you know, I enjoy this show.
- Pasta on glucose. Cooked pasta spikes blood sugar. But cold pasta isn't as spiking. BUT REHEATED pasta is even lower on the spikes. So basically cook pasta, cool it, and reheat it the next day - it's better for you! Wow! Great!
- UVA in sunshine is apparently dropping blood pressure.
- In 3 weeks, if you need Vit D taking oily fish, or sunshine or supplements - all work. Though oily fish is mercury concerns, sunshine - cancer concerns, and supplements - just watch them.
This week's episode:
- Sugar is a toxin. No surprise there.
- Garlic and Beets can help lower blood pressure - tho you have to eat it daily. OR eat 2 squares of very dark chocolate!!!! I'll go for the dark chocolate. 😻😻😻😊
Today's art was fun. I'm so happy to have someone to paint with. I like that we can giggle and chat.
This morning I went to Ann-Marie's for Bowls. Basically I got to learn how to get the bowls to sing. Was enjoyable and interesting. I liked that bit of healing. I knew I got some healing, but not that I could really say what. Ann-Marie said she could see it. I was the only one that signed up for the morning class. I said I was coming next Monday for the Chakra and Balancing class.
I am feeling better as you can tell. Still waiting for that one more blood work to come in, and see what it says about the MGUS. Glad that NP is willing to send me to the cancer doctor. Look forward to that appointment too.
Not much else at the moment. I want to get organized to write about what happened with Joan .... I know, I said that last time. Still haven't gotten enough time space for it. But it's coming!
Hugs
- Pasta on glucose. Cooked pasta spikes blood sugar. But cold pasta isn't as spiking. BUT REHEATED pasta is even lower on the spikes. So basically cook pasta, cool it, and reheat it the next day - it's better for you! Wow! Great!
- UVA in sunshine is apparently dropping blood pressure.
- In 3 weeks, if you need Vit D taking oily fish, or sunshine or supplements - all work. Though oily fish is mercury concerns, sunshine - cancer concerns, and supplements - just watch them.
This week's episode:
- Sugar is a toxin. No surprise there.
- Garlic and Beets can help lower blood pressure - tho you have to eat it daily. OR eat 2 squares of very dark chocolate!!!! I'll go for the dark chocolate. 😻😻😻😊
Today's art was fun. I'm so happy to have someone to paint with. I like that we can giggle and chat.
This morning I went to Ann-Marie's for Bowls. Basically I got to learn how to get the bowls to sing. Was enjoyable and interesting. I liked that bit of healing. I knew I got some healing, but not that I could really say what. Ann-Marie said she could see it. I was the only one that signed up for the morning class. I said I was coming next Monday for the Chakra and Balancing class.
I am feeling better as you can tell. Still waiting for that one more blood work to come in, and see what it says about the MGUS. Glad that NP is willing to send me to the cancer doctor. Look forward to that appointment too.
Not much else at the moment. I want to get organized to write about what happened with Joan .... I know, I said that last time. Still haven't gotten enough time space for it. But it's coming!
Hugs
Sunday, April 15, 2018
De-Lighted
De-lighted..... de-stoved....... de-tv....... de-computer......
Yesterday we were without power most of the day. Tree went down and took 5 power poles with it. The joys of this weekend's ice / rain storm. This morning there was a bit of snow on the ground along with the ice. No puppy walks today either - didn't go yesterday.
Yesterday I wasn't up for anything either. Basically we had breakfast, and started to read when the power went out. So we continued to read all afternoon. Thankfully I had planned leftovers for lunch. Even though we couldn't warm the chicken, it was cooked already. And I had picked up broccoli salad the day before. Just as we started dinner, I had leftover shredded chicken (different then lunch's) on naan bread the lights/power went on.
Hurray TEA! That was the worse, having no hot tea with lunch or dinner. And it was getting cool in the house.
You'd think I'd get some housecleaning done. But I didn't. So I started today - got the vacuuming done and a load of laundry started. Have to get down there and switch it to the dryer still. Was doing fine in the morning but after lunch I was dropping. I ended up sleeping for a few hours.
I feel a bit nausead. Nothing new. Symptoms of MGUS and everything else too.
I had hoped to write yesterday, which I could have attempted, but didn't have in me, as I do have a longer blog on what happened with Joan. It was a good healing session - got insight. Will aim to write this week as some point about it.
Tomorrow I'm off in the early morning for Ann-Marie's drumming session, and then Michelle is coming over for painting.
I did get to starting another painting last night. I'm still working at trying to get all my creations onto my other blog - Krystal's Colours.
I'm looking now too for a Spirit type tattoo. I've booked May 17th for the dog and infinity heart/paws but I need something to balance the other side per Mike the tattooer (? that a word) artist.
I want to change the bedding, and need to switch that laundry, and look at making dinner... oh, fyi - AJ hurt his good shoulder again, again, again, again. 2 weeks ago he semi-tripped going in Superstore, then tripped again, then lifting water can to pour water into the kettle he heard a snap and felt a shooting pain, and then in the bathroom he wiggled and hurt it again. (Tripping etc he tries to re-balance by pushing his good arm down onto the walker as he can't control his bad arm) We went to the NP and he's got an ultrasound May 10th. So I'm letting him off doing a lot of house work! I know so nice of me......Yeah, I'm nice like that! 😺
Yesterday we were without power most of the day. Tree went down and took 5 power poles with it. The joys of this weekend's ice / rain storm. This morning there was a bit of snow on the ground along with the ice. No puppy walks today either - didn't go yesterday.
Yesterday I wasn't up for anything either. Basically we had breakfast, and started to read when the power went out. So we continued to read all afternoon. Thankfully I had planned leftovers for lunch. Even though we couldn't warm the chicken, it was cooked already. And I had picked up broccoli salad the day before. Just as we started dinner, I had leftover shredded chicken (different then lunch's) on naan bread the lights/power went on.
Hurray TEA! That was the worse, having no hot tea with lunch or dinner. And it was getting cool in the house.
You'd think I'd get some housecleaning done. But I didn't. So I started today - got the vacuuming done and a load of laundry started. Have to get down there and switch it to the dryer still. Was doing fine in the morning but after lunch I was dropping. I ended up sleeping for a few hours.
I feel a bit nausead. Nothing new. Symptoms of MGUS and everything else too.
I had hoped to write yesterday, which I could have attempted, but didn't have in me, as I do have a longer blog on what happened with Joan. It was a good healing session - got insight. Will aim to write this week as some point about it.
Tomorrow I'm off in the early morning for Ann-Marie's drumming session, and then Michelle is coming over for painting.
I did get to starting another painting last night. I'm still working at trying to get all my creations onto my other blog - Krystal's Colours.
I'm looking now too for a Spirit type tattoo. I've booked May 17th for the dog and infinity heart/paws but I need something to balance the other side per Mike the tattooer (? that a word) artist.
I want to change the bedding, and need to switch that laundry, and look at making dinner... oh, fyi - AJ hurt his good shoulder again, again, again, again. 2 weeks ago he semi-tripped going in Superstore, then tripped again, then lifting water can to pour water into the kettle he heard a snap and felt a shooting pain, and then in the bathroom he wiggled and hurt it again. (Tripping etc he tries to re-balance by pushing his good arm down onto the walker as he can't control his bad arm) We went to the NP and he's got an ultrasound May 10th. So I'm letting him off doing a lot of house work! I know so nice of me......Yeah, I'm nice like that! 😺
Friday, April 13, 2018
Busy, Busy, Busy
Lately things have gotten busy! I'm good with that.
I've been working at taking photos and down loading my art/crafts for the other blog. I've done a lot. Trying to organize them a bit too.
And then the growth work.
I spoke with Joan the other evening. Basically came down about the self-destructiveness - it's in the blood. Remember that statement from the other post? It's in the blood from my father's side. I'm the end of his line and that destructiveness, mean DNA ends with me - that's what I came to do. We 'cleaned' that out of me. I did feel better afterwards. I'm happy today.
What we did also talk about was the MGUS. NP will wait for RA doctor's report, and was open to sending me to an oncologist as I wanted a second opinion and because a lot of what I have read is it's good to have a base line with the MGUS. I hope the oncologist will accept and see me.
*******************
There you go. That's about what is going on.
PS note is I got an email from Joan who is willing to talk with me on Friday night. Ha ha ha. I truly thought she'd be too busy. So I will semi-change my plan with Ann-Marie to a talk and do the healing with Joan that night.
Til later!
I've been working at taking photos and down loading my art/crafts for the other blog. I've done a lot. Trying to organize them a bit too.
And then the growth work.
I spoke with Joan the other evening. Basically came down about the self-destructiveness - it's in the blood. Remember that statement from the other post? It's in the blood from my father's side. I'm the end of his line and that destructiveness, mean DNA ends with me - that's what I came to do. We 'cleaned' that out of me. I did feel better afterwards. I'm happy today.
I was dreaming this morning......then suddenly a naked John Goodman was laughing and I was suppose to hit him on his butt, but I wasn't doing it really that hard as I couldn't get the right way to do that.
Roseanne Barr came in yelling/angry and was going to show me how to do it.
I didn't see anything but I KNEW/ and heard a very painful hard smack. I knew his butt was red, and just as she came in I did see John's face - it wasn't laughing anymore, it was an oh no, frightened sorta, open mouth, wide eye look at me.
I woke. i was punished for being overweight. Very tiny voice.
I know my father / and mother threatened, promised etc with regards to my weight as a child.
I would also get promises of money, trip to Germany etc.
In the shower I realized weight and money. I use to lose weight to get a boyfriend/man. And lose to boyfriend, so the weight came back. Weight came back with Tony, but he did not leave.
Now, there is no money either if I lose weight - it actually costs more for me to lose weight. (foods, clothes etc). There's no prize. (yeah, yeah health is a prize..... not)
So there was two things in that this morning.
I tried to contact Joan but she is leaving for the weekend out West for a few weeks. I called Ann-Marie for a healing session. Thought it would help as apposed to doing not much other then realizing it. I see her on Friday.
That's where I am with that for the moment.
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About my surprise..... I did it. Yup. Went out with Michelle as she offered to come with me.
TaDa!:
It's on my left inside arm. And yes, it's my very first! Told him I was a virgin, but gentle.
I saw this photo (the one above is mine not the photo I kept) about 4 years ago, and kept the photo. When Michelle came to paint with me, I saw her humming birds which were beautifully done. And suddenly I knew I wanted to do it. Few days later, I suddenly called her to ask her again what the guy's name was again - Mike at the Neon Crab. I called, he was busy, apparently very busy, but got for Wednesday. Michelle offered to come with, so, why not?
It stung a bit, but not horribly. Didn't take long either. Told him if I could find a dog and something that matched I'd get that on my right arm. Later I called him back and said that with the dog it was a humming bird. Michelle and I went afterwards to Tim's for coffee, and I said a humming bird would be something I liked. When I got home AJ said a humming bird. So I called Mike and said it would be a humming bird with the dog.
AJ was fine with the tattoo. Not his thing, but I wanted it, so, ok. He liked it when he saw it.
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Wednesday was also the day I went (with AJ) to see the Nurse Practioner. Asked about the thyroid, she will said the prescription in. And it was pap day. Learnt stuff I didn't know! Explains the owies. I'm in menopause. That sucks. Got 'help' for that - hopefully it will be better. Let's skip over the rest of this subject as enough, maybe too much! has been said already.
******
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There you go. That's about what is going on.
PS note is I got an email from Joan who is willing to talk with me on Friday night. Ha ha ha. I truly thought she'd be too busy. So I will semi-change my plan with Ann-Marie to a talk and do the healing with Joan that night.
Til later!
Wednesday, April 11, 2018
Say What?
Occasionally I get writer's babble. I continue to write and realize I need to break them up a bit. Especially when they are so heavy in emotions and thoughts. It's a lot to read and probably sounds whiny. Ends up sometimes that they seem out of order in the blog. Like this one is. I wrote this a few days ago - between the AJ blogs and will before the Krystal's Colours. Please keep that in mind when you read it.
********* 🙀 ***************
Sigh. It's sad for me to know I want answers and yet I can't get them. Guessing others feel like that too. How do you find answers that are inside you.......without having to wait until it feels like showing up.
(Over here Men!)
********* 🙀 ***************
Sigh. It's sad for me to know I want answers and yet I can't get them. Guessing others feel like that too. How do you find answers that are inside you.......without having to wait until it feels like showing up.
I've been meditating, asking for guidance etc... and I get more questions. Like what does a school washroom have to do with me? Let alone frighten me?
So last night I had found a binural beat on finding answers - and listened to it. I actually quiet liked it. I focused on weight/food/why, and as I went to go get answers I decided on going to a restaurant and got a danish. With the danish I got the thought 'it's in the blood'. Huh? It's blood. Huh? Blood. Huh? Ok. What the *** does that mean or relate to? I tried to find other answers and of course - nothing, nope, no.
Recapping - I have public school washroom, frightened, someone talking, being in a stall, and now - it's in the blood / blood. I thought on it. The memories that I can come up with are:
1. In about grade 7 or 8 we were outside for gym doing hurdles. I was on my 'cycle'. (Know where this is going?? sorry any men reading - maybe you'd want to skip to point #2!).
As I ran I could feel my pad coming out. And yup, I grabbed it as I did the last hurdle. Teacher did let me go to the washroom. As I walked I was SO VERY EMBARRASSED and crying that I threw the pad in the first garbage I saw, which was by the door. I went into the washroom and cried. Later I just went to the class room and waited. I wasn't going back to gym - a course I didn't like in the first place. Later I got embarrassment number 2 - teacher said I threw it in the garbage. I said no, trying to get away from what happened. She said yes, and said it just wasn't the right garbage to use. End with her. Surprisingly I wasn't teased as much as I thought I would be - a few said a bit about it, especially the bully girls, but overall, with just looking at them and saying nothing, it was left alone.
As I ran I could feel my pad coming out. And yup, I grabbed it as I did the last hurdle. Teacher did let me go to the washroom. As I walked I was SO VERY EMBARRASSED and crying that I threw the pad in the first garbage I saw, which was by the door. I went into the washroom and cried. Later I just went to the class room and waited. I wasn't going back to gym - a course I didn't like in the first place. Later I got embarrassment number 2 - teacher said I threw it in the garbage. I said no, trying to get away from what happened. She said yes, and said it just wasn't the right garbage to use. End with her. Surprisingly I wasn't teased as much as I thought I would be - a few said a bit about it, especially the bully girls, but overall, with just looking at them and saying nothing, it was left alone.
(Over here Men!)
2. I vaguely remember standing in front of the mirror and thinking/talking to myself and saying ....if I get pregnant then I will........ I don't remember anything else. I don't even know if that thought is totally right. It seems out of place, yet still I 'sense' something about being in front of a school mirror and baby/pregnant.
Now, #2 I can guess that line. I have known for years there was a 3rd one that had sexually abused me. If that is the case here - then I really don't understand why I would be blocking it / unwilling to let myself remember it. It doesn't frightened me - at this age - but that memory I can see it would. But I'm dealing with the now so I can't see I'd block it. It's a weird thought in front of the mirror. That abuse would probably cause blood, especially if it was intercourse abuse. The other sexual abuse was physical but not intercourse. Not sure where to go with this, and I'm not interested in making up something. And I don't see how it relates to my weight or eating or self-destructiveness or belonging.
So now I wait for the next installment. Hopefully it will bring more connectiveness and completeness.
Monday, April 9, 2018
Krystal's Colours
This is not the surprise I'm talking about, but it is another one that sorta surprised me!!! I decided to do another blog. Now, now... it's not more ramblings of my awesome life. It's simply photos of my awesome paintings. ha ha ha. 😊
Basically there's not much to it, I just thought it would be easier to post my paintings in a separate place and show them. I know they aren't much to look at at times, some of them are weird even to me, but still I enjoy doing them and this way any friends that want to look at them can. Of course I'd sell any and all of them if I could! $$$$$$$$....even for $.
I don't know how active I will be on that site as it is only my creations. Guess that's something I'll find out in time. And hopefully will be able to get better at taking photos of my paintings so they show better then what I've got there now. I wanted to post my latest Moon one, but the photo really doesn't do it justice. I really like it.
Otherwise.....
Michelle came over today and we continue with our stain glass work. I so enjoyed being able to do art work with someone. Think it really made my day and I feel happier then I have been in a long time.
Which lead me to email Salvation Army to offer my volunteer services. Will see what develops for that.
This morning we went to the nurse and I got my Prevar 13 shot. AJ got the second one which you can get after and I can not remember the name of. Have to wait 2 months between Prevar 13 and that one. Figure I will get it around August, that should be well after then and before Autumn.
On my growth plan....quiet today.
Guess that's about it.
Ta
Basically there's not much to it, I just thought it would be easier to post my paintings in a separate place and show them. I know they aren't much to look at at times, some of them are weird even to me, but still I enjoy doing them and this way any friends that want to look at them can. Of course I'd sell any and all of them if I could! $$$$$$$$....even for $.
I don't know how active I will be on that site as it is only my creations. Guess that's something I'll find out in time. And hopefully will be able to get better at taking photos of my paintings so they show better then what I've got there now. I wanted to post my latest Moon one, but the photo really doesn't do it justice. I really like it.
Otherwise.....
Michelle came over today and we continue with our stain glass work. I so enjoyed being able to do art work with someone. Think it really made my day and I feel happier then I have been in a long time.
Which lead me to email Salvation Army to offer my volunteer services. Will see what develops for that.
This morning we went to the nurse and I got my Prevar 13 shot. AJ got the second one which you can get after and I can not remember the name of. Have to wait 2 months between Prevar 13 and that one. Figure I will get it around August, that should be well after then and before Autumn.
On my growth plan....quiet today.
Guess that's about it.
Ta
Sunday, April 8, 2018
I'm Good
Just a wee post note from yesterday's. I'm not a basket case, tho it might sound like it with what I tend to write. I actually have good days, and I'm nice.
AJ did/does like and love me since the beginning because I do have great qualities. Especially my ability to love and accept, to be ferociously loyal, dependable, honest, sincere, kind, caring, supportive. I have a humor that got to him. He would say something and I would quickly wit something out that stopped him, and he would laugh. I seek truth. I share openly and willingly. I am amazing as myself. Happiness in me comes out in funny, joy comes out with smiles and light. There is a lot to me that is positive and a joy to be around.
I don't write much about it I guess. Mostly because there's not much more to say other then today I was funny, AJ laughed. I was in a good mood - just because. I sang, off key of course as I did the house cleaning. Thankfully AJ is tone deaf!
But I am very, very hard on myself. I don't know why.
I am in some ways easy to love. I was reading 'Two Sisters in The Wilderness" about Susanna Moodie and Catherine Parr Traill (two sisters/writers in the 1800's that came to Upper Canada) Just started reading. At the point where they met their husbands. Catherine never took off her wedding ring. Susanna canceled the wedding, but he came back telling her how much he loved her etc, and she agreed to get married. Both women were married to men who beyond a doubt totally and completely for all times loved them. They made the best of their lives, yes, but there was romance from the men. Even Susanna who was moody and emotional was loved completely by her husband, willing to forgo moving to South Africa because she didn't want to leave London England. (Yes, they do leave but because they couldn't make it as writers, hubby writer, too in England). She was loved without reserve, and with emotions, and wanted.
I sometimes wonder if that's why I'm a bit more sad. I do put it in the past and love AJ in the present, but sometimes it comes up and haunts me. Reminds me. The worse part is - it's the truth, and it's the truth in the present. Makes me feel a bit empty. Leave him? No. I do love him, and he does love me, care about me, is happy generally with me. Besides I don't want to be alone, I don't want to be without him. I made a choice. And even with his feelings, I choose at this point to be with him. I do have a good life with him. I am loved, even when I have my days. There are not many men that I have met that could handle loving someone like me.....so AJ gets credit and stars for that.
Quirky as I am, I'm simply and completely:
don't forget:
AJ did/does like and love me since the beginning because I do have great qualities. Especially my ability to love and accept, to be ferociously loyal, dependable, honest, sincere, kind, caring, supportive. I have a humor that got to him. He would say something and I would quickly wit something out that stopped him, and he would laugh. I seek truth. I share openly and willingly. I am amazing as myself. Happiness in me comes out in funny, joy comes out with smiles and light. There is a lot to me that is positive and a joy to be around.
I don't write much about it I guess. Mostly because there's not much more to say other then today I was funny, AJ laughed. I was in a good mood - just because. I sang, off key of course as I did the house cleaning. Thankfully AJ is tone deaf!
But I am very, very hard on myself. I don't know why.
I am in some ways easy to love. I was reading 'Two Sisters in The Wilderness" about Susanna Moodie and Catherine Parr Traill (two sisters/writers in the 1800's that came to Upper Canada) Just started reading. At the point where they met their husbands. Catherine never took off her wedding ring. Susanna canceled the wedding, but he came back telling her how much he loved her etc, and she agreed to get married. Both women were married to men who beyond a doubt totally and completely for all times loved them. They made the best of their lives, yes, but there was romance from the men. Even Susanna who was moody and emotional was loved completely by her husband, willing to forgo moving to South Africa because she didn't want to leave London England. (Yes, they do leave but because they couldn't make it as writers, hubby writer, too in England). She was loved without reserve, and with emotions, and wanted.
I sometimes wonder if that's why I'm a bit more sad. I do put it in the past and love AJ in the present, but sometimes it comes up and haunts me. Reminds me. The worse part is - it's the truth, and it's the truth in the present. Makes me feel a bit empty. Leave him? No. I do love him, and he does love me, care about me, is happy generally with me. Besides I don't want to be alone, I don't want to be without him. I made a choice. And even with his feelings, I choose at this point to be with him. I do have a good life with him. I am loved, even when I have my days. There are not many men that I have met that could handle loving someone like me.....so AJ gets credit and stars for that.
Quirky as I am, I'm simply and completely:
don't forget:
Saturday, April 7, 2018
Belong
Struggling with the issue of belonging. Looking at that and wondering of it. I know I don't feel I belong on this earth. Talked with AJ about all this the other day. How I have felt I haven't belonged throughout my life. And how much I have looked to belonged. I thought I found it when I went with Elizabeth to AA, and then in OA..... but that wasn't the case. Church was ok but not to the degree Talia feels it. And now I don't go to church as I struggle with that God issue.
I don't feel I belong anywhere. Even in this town. Understandable as we just moved here. Never belonged in school, always the outsider, the one picked on, not part of the crowd or group. Even at times when I did find a group and was included - over years of growing up, like AA etc - it never lasted, eventually I was pushed out, left, unwelcomed, skipped over, not included. At this age I'm mostly at peace with it.
I did try to belong to AJ's family - that sucked. I know AJ loves me, and I feel connected with him. But as I have written before, and we spoke of the other day, AJ wouldn't choose me again. I would choose AJ over all the men I dated - just as he is, handicapped and all. I would want to be with him. But AJ wouldn't be with me if we weren't married. He didn't deny that. I said you wouldn't choose me, if we weren't married you would have broken up with me. He kinda looked, thinking, and said but I'm with you, and I love you. BUT would you choose to be with me? Ah... Yeah, that's what I said - you wouldn't choose to be with me.
Hurts. But not new. And it's kinda broke me this time. At 2am when he said good night baby to me with so much affection and love, I had to remind myself I do love him. And I need to remember that. And I need to remember at this moment, at this point, AJ does love me as best he can. AJ has this ability to just accept the way things are and make them the best he can - hence, he's married to me, he's not going to leave me, so he loves me.... and there are good qualities of me that make me lovable. It hits a bit on the belonging, wanted, accepted. I know I belong with AJ, he accepts me....wants to be with me? I guess he does - we are married, so in that way, he wants to be with me.
OH - one of the things Joan said was I was heart broken. I realized later that probably has to do with God. There's some belonging in there too.
That's basically where I am with the belonging.
Makes me feel a bit sad as I think on it. But is there something in this that I'm not wanting to know? Something I'm blocking? Something that frightens me? So I continue on.......
Thursday, April 5, 2018
What's Going On Now
So what happened. I finally got in touch with Joan. I met her at a fair, and there was something about her that interested me, but I didn't have a chance to really talk with her. When we got home from the fair, I kept thinking back to her. I knew then that I was to get in touch with her and talk. Told AJ about it.
I had her card, looked up her website, and left her a message. After a week of back and forth emails, we finally got a time together and she called me Wednesday night. I explained that I was in a funk and that I needed change but I didn't know how. I felt that I was self-destructive (not that I was going to physically hurt myself, just more with eating etc).
We talked. She said I needed to love myself more. I explained - fine, but how. I told her numerous times I wasn't wanting to be stubborn, or fighting her, it was just because of years and years and years of therapy a lot of things to do wasn't new, and hadn't helped. BUT I was still hoping for change......one day. She works on the spiritual side of things.
Joan said that I was still blocking something, that I didn't want to deal with/ see. I explained there was nothing at this point that I could see would frighten me that I wouldn't be willing to deal with. I totally understand that what I said might not be true inside - but at this point I REALLY want to deal with things, and want to know. After an hour of talking the outcome were:
love myself more (not surprise)
My brother (mom lost before me) has been around me all my life and wants to help me - let him.
He / and I have trouble with wanting to belong. Have never felt I belong here on earth
Which explains why I don't want to be here
That there's still something I am meant to do here
That I will help others once I find my way out of this
I need to balance and ground myself every morning
I need to continue to do things that I like, make me happy - painting, walking the dog, gardening etc.
Tell myself - I'm sorry, Please forgive me. I love you. (THAT shakes me inside, so I can get there is a trigger in that)
Journal is good. (Blog works)
Pay attention to my dreams (more on that in a sec)
Few other things, but I can't recall at the moment
I found and felt that the session was a big help. I did feel better afterwards and more directional. I asked her to have another session. She is leaving for a trip April 14th, so I asked for another one asap. Talking with her on Tuesday. And if I can, I will try for another before she leaves. I want to deal with this and get thru these blocks. To remember and face them, to heal them.
Still doing those binaural beats, so that night I looked up remembering memories beats and listened to that. I also called spiritual help to remember, to have clarity, to remember gently, kindly, easily (that was another thing she mentioned) and I just realized to ask for completely! Will add that tonight.
I had a dream. 2 things came out. Have no idea what either mean. The one I'm not sure if it's anything or just what happened that day - I dreamt of teeth/inside roof of mouth. I saw little teeth coming out of the gums. They were sharp and pointy. It might have been because we had gone to the dentist. Or it might be because I'm growing teeth / breaking thru like baby teeth thru the gums.
Other dream I think had something in it - I was in / walking around in a public bathroom. Going into stalls. I felt like it was my public school - Sir J A - that I was in. And I was so very frightened. I don't know why. Nothing was happening. I do remember I spoke with someone, a man I think, in the washroom. I continued all thru walking, being in etc, the washroom stalls I was very scared. And I don't know why. Nothing showed that scared me. It was more emotional I think that was bring up being frightened. I woke knowing I had been frightened.
So.... something frightened me. But even though I really still want to know what it was. I talked with AJ and I said I truly don't remember anything that had happened. I know as a child the other girls semi-bullied me at times, but nothing like now a days, and I usually managed to avoid a lot of it. I would go to hid in the washroom when I was bored in class - but not the washroom I dreamt of. Only thing I do remember of that washroom was reading a book in which the little girl was Jewish (true story) and in the camps she would only get one tissue for peeing, and two for poop. I remember thinking of that as I looked at the toilet roll and thinking how glad I was I could have as much as I needed.
I know weird remembrance thing. But that's what coming up when I think of the dream and reality. BUT that's not frightening. As I said to AJ even if there was some abuse or even sexual abuse that happened in there - I don't understand WHY I would be afraid to remember. I've been thru those memories already - so new ones, well, ok, they would upset me, but not that I wouldn't want to recall them. So why so frightened? Female sexual abuse? Scary, but still. Me doing the abuse? Okkk - still would want to know, besides I didn't have that kind of guts especially as a child to do that.
Well, whatever that dream was about, I will continue to explore as best I can. Then see what develops. Wish me luck and courage to go thru the fear, please.
PS I have an appointment next week for something.......(not Joan) 😲😮😮😏
I had her card, looked up her website, and left her a message. After a week of back and forth emails, we finally got a time together and she called me Wednesday night. I explained that I was in a funk and that I needed change but I didn't know how. I felt that I was self-destructive (not that I was going to physically hurt myself, just more with eating etc).
We talked. She said I needed to love myself more. I explained - fine, but how. I told her numerous times I wasn't wanting to be stubborn, or fighting her, it was just because of years and years and years of therapy a lot of things to do wasn't new, and hadn't helped. BUT I was still hoping for change......one day. She works on the spiritual side of things.
Joan said that I was still blocking something, that I didn't want to deal with/ see. I explained there was nothing at this point that I could see would frighten me that I wouldn't be willing to deal with. I totally understand that what I said might not be true inside - but at this point I REALLY want to deal with things, and want to know. After an hour of talking the outcome were:
love myself more (not surprise)
My brother (mom lost before me) has been around me all my life and wants to help me - let him.
He / and I have trouble with wanting to belong. Have never felt I belong here on earth
Which explains why I don't want to be here
That there's still something I am meant to do here
That I will help others once I find my way out of this
I need to balance and ground myself every morning
I need to continue to do things that I like, make me happy - painting, walking the dog, gardening etc.
Tell myself - I'm sorry, Please forgive me. I love you. (THAT shakes me inside, so I can get there is a trigger in that)
Journal is good. (Blog works)
Pay attention to my dreams (more on that in a sec)
Few other things, but I can't recall at the moment
I found and felt that the session was a big help. I did feel better afterwards and more directional. I asked her to have another session. She is leaving for a trip April 14th, so I asked for another one asap. Talking with her on Tuesday. And if I can, I will try for another before she leaves. I want to deal with this and get thru these blocks. To remember and face them, to heal them.
Still doing those binaural beats, so that night I looked up remembering memories beats and listened to that. I also called spiritual help to remember, to have clarity, to remember gently, kindly, easily (that was another thing she mentioned) and I just realized to ask for completely! Will add that tonight.
I had a dream. 2 things came out. Have no idea what either mean. The one I'm not sure if it's anything or just what happened that day - I dreamt of teeth/inside roof of mouth. I saw little teeth coming out of the gums. They were sharp and pointy. It might have been because we had gone to the dentist. Or it might be because I'm growing teeth / breaking thru like baby teeth thru the gums.
Other dream I think had something in it - I was in / walking around in a public bathroom. Going into stalls. I felt like it was my public school - Sir J A - that I was in. And I was so very frightened. I don't know why. Nothing was happening. I do remember I spoke with someone, a man I think, in the washroom. I continued all thru walking, being in etc, the washroom stalls I was very scared. And I don't know why. Nothing showed that scared me. It was more emotional I think that was bring up being frightened. I woke knowing I had been frightened.
So.... something frightened me. But even though I really still want to know what it was. I talked with AJ and I said I truly don't remember anything that had happened. I know as a child the other girls semi-bullied me at times, but nothing like now a days, and I usually managed to avoid a lot of it. I would go to hid in the washroom when I was bored in class - but not the washroom I dreamt of. Only thing I do remember of that washroom was reading a book in which the little girl was Jewish (true story) and in the camps she would only get one tissue for peeing, and two for poop. I remember thinking of that as I looked at the toilet roll and thinking how glad I was I could have as much as I needed.
I know weird remembrance thing. But that's what coming up when I think of the dream and reality. BUT that's not frightening. As I said to AJ even if there was some abuse or even sexual abuse that happened in there - I don't understand WHY I would be afraid to remember. I've been thru those memories already - so new ones, well, ok, they would upset me, but not that I wouldn't want to recall them. So why so frightened? Female sexual abuse? Scary, but still. Me doing the abuse? Okkk - still would want to know, besides I didn't have that kind of guts especially as a child to do that.
Well, whatever that dream was about, I will continue to explore as best I can. Then see what develops. Wish me luck and courage to go thru the fear, please.
PS I have an appointment next week for something.......(not Joan) 😲😮😮😏
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