Thinking still on Change.
I know that one guy that I can see / or know from his stories that he and his life really changed and different.
Then there is this woman living life (before I knew her) that caused her to make some life ''changes'' or differences in her life - mostly the usual crap life throws/ happens. Nothing overly, but made her make decisions. Then we met, and she was still wanting to make changes in her. Now since knowing her, yes her life had changes because things happen. BUT personality wise, she's mostly the same person. Yes, she's polished some of her edges too. But often she still struggles with the same issues as when I first met her. They are there, tho struggling on a new and different level each time those issues come up.
So it makes me wonder - is change really just life moving forward? And who a person is inherently is who they are in life - thru out life.
Is changes then - goals and dreams, and whether or not we make them come true? And who we - I - am will always be who I - we - are. That means who I am - the one who deals with food/eating, the one who spends money (even if it's wisely), the one who looks for insights and changes, the one who pulls out past traumas so that they can be healed, the one who likes to watch Dead Files and Medical Information, the one who likes to just be with my husband and pets.
Dreams and Goals.......... sadly I don't have them that much anymore. Just the usual ones I've had for years, that are nothing new. And I guess they are the ones I wish would change - so that I don't have them anymore (all about food/eating and money).
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I asked AJ about my changes, and as I wrote he said I didn't really change. As I pressed him, he said that I was/am more scared to do things. If the weather is snowing, I want to be at home, and not go out. Even tho when we first met I was always willing to go out - even driving in snow. Thinking about it, he's right and I wondered why. I know when I got very, very, very ill - early in our marriage - I got scared of going anywhere because of being ill.
Then we moved. I feel/felt I was basically free from my serious illness, to a point they were manageable. But also now I had/have to be even more responsible for everything. I became responsible for AJ - for his health, his safety, his interests, etc, then for the pets, for the household budget - and the spending, for the house itself, for the maintaining of things.. etc. There is no space or time for hopes, dreams or goals. They are all now wrapped up in my responsibilities for not only myself, but everything else. I can see being scared growing in there - what happens if I am not here? Or if I get very ill? Or if I get hurt? AJ can manage some stuff but not everything - and that's my 'fault'. I put him out of his safety - the condo/city - and placed him in a house/town and with pets. Safety is paramount for my self because of my responsibilities.
A friend mentioned a while ago that I was .... fragile. She was talking about my health. That I had to be careful. I thought about fragile. My health issues are a major concern for me but I never thought they made me fragile. And emotionally, I'm not fragile. Tho to be fair - I get why she used that word. She was looking for a word at the time, couldn't figure out one, and came up with fragile. Funny thing is, personally I'm a lot more stubborn and strong then I am fragile.
As much as I do my best - I just can't seem to be that person who gets lucky - who goes into the grocery store and finds all the deals, walking out with a buggy of foods for a whole month and only spent $50. Or the one who fits into the same clothes yearly, or the one who walks into Value Village double days and comes out with a huge wardrobe to last another 10 yrs, most of it new for just a price of $25.
Do I just then accept who I am / as I am and live with it? Improving where I can as I go along? And let go of the dream of 'change' as change is just life moving forward?
Hopes, dreams, and goals - I don't think there's room in me for those anymore. Especially as any that I might come up with involve money. Something I / we can't gamble on spending just because it's a goal or dream. So I just shove those thoughts and ideas back down and get them to go away. And really.... what hopes, dreams and goals do I even have anymore? Most of what I have longed for I have. What's left?
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